Subject: GP Birmingham - Ejections, Crime, Nudity! Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 19:27:43 PDT From: "Matthew Vienneau" To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Abstract/Introduction --------------------- Ahhh, another tournament report. I seem to be writing these with greater and greater frequency these days. It used to be that a couple of months could go by before I would find another incompetent organizer or head judge, or an entire year would pass without me getting threatened with ejection. And, a mere three months ago, I would have thought it ridiculous to be physically threatened by an irate magic player. But these things change. Once again I've got a long rant planned about GP Birmingham. It was perhaps the WORST tournament I have ever attended, but more than likely it just makes the bottom five (I've been to some pretty bad tournaments...). And to really brighten my day, I got to spend hundreds of dollars to attend this tournament, as I flew to England to partake of it. Of course, I've had the pleasure of wasting lots of money on bad tournaments before as I got to attend both PT Paris and PT Mainz. It seems that there's just something about Europe which prevents it from ever, EVER running a decent tournament. Come to North America! Only 50% of our tournaments really suck! For those of you who only read the first page or so, and I know you exist as you send me email criticizing the entire report, I'll provide a brief teaser here to entice you to continue reading. As well it should help the Motion Picture Association Of America rate the report in case it ever gets optioned for a movie... This tournament report includes coarse language, non-violent crime, adult situations and *NUDITY* (always capitalize the important words so people who are skimming stop to actually read...). For the magic inclined (and I'm sure there are one or two of them), I once again may or may not get EJECTED, and I definitely had some differences with the head judge. For those keeping count, that's the third time in three months that I've been threatened with ejection, and at least the 20th time I've had a major difference with the head judge of a major event. It's like I attract problems and difficulties... The interested reader will also have to bear with my sometimes ponderous narrative style that will often introduce unrelated events and asides as a distraction from our major theme (I'm practicing for an English paper). I figure tourney reports need a little spicing up so I'm going include miscellaneous details about the weekend trip to England. I'll try and keep it interesting. A selection of comparisons to GP Austin, wherein I had no differences with the head judges and was NOT ejected, or even threatened (by player or judge), will also be made. For those wishing to just read about the actual tournament, skip the first 12 chapters, and go right to chapter 13. If you do this, however, you'll miss the 5 chapters on nude celebrities in London, which I wouldn't advise. Hmm, as I proofread I notice I failed to mention GP Austin at all. Well, after you read the report, come back to this and think "everything I've just read did NOT happen in Austin". Everyone was friendly, the accomodations were cheap, and the tournament was well run with judges and organizers whom I felt actually listened to the players. David Doust and Mike Guptil ran a fine tournament. I would also like to make a special mention (a "props" if you will) of Jim Voute, who I met on the trip. His generosity and kindness was incredible and meeting him was the best thing that could have happened to me on this trip. I'll mention Jim again later, but in case you only read this far, Jim is proof that there are nice people in the world, and some of them even live in the U.K.! And, as self-promotion, for those of you who have missed some of my more recent tournament reports, they may or may not be found on the dojo (if not, bitch at Frank!). Recent reports have including a scathing attack on an (almost) nameless level three judge, and a report on a very well run event in Rochester where I caught a player cheating and he attacked me (almost). And if you've read those and are still not turned off by the unending criticism and cyncical reporting, there's a scathing report on this year's Canadian Nationals and a huge personal attack on a WotC ruling (now changed) and Mike Guptil, one of the nicest and best organized head judge I've ever met :). And for the history-minded reader, there's a report on PT Mainz, the bitching that started it all! Enough self-gratifying praise and promotion, I'll never be as good at it as the Duelist! On with the report... Chapter 1 - Why I Wasted Thousands To Play In Two Grand Prix ------------------------------------------------------------ (Note: All $ funds are Canadian unless otherwise specified. The current exchange rate is about $1USD = $1.54CAD, which means all American should come be tourists in Canada as everything is dirt cheap. If that's tough to translate, then use $0.64USD = $1CAD) I recently fell off the pro-tour and was attending a PTQ here in Toronto with a variant on the standard awakening deck. I decided to drop the worthless spikes and instead use some real fat - namely endangered armodons. And to back them up and give me an advantage in the heavy blue environment, I threw in four hammerhead sharks. Many have mocked me for these decisions but you haven't seen fear until you've seen a counterphoenix player try and deal with a 4/5 creature in the early game. I also felt that with the high number of whispers and capsizes that awakening itself was often a liability, so I reduced the number to two from four and included a drifter. The PTQ was a massive event of 220 people. Wait, no, I'm off by a digit. There were 22 people. Four rounds of swiss to the top 8. Not an easy tournament! Using my "Awaken the Armodon" deck, I manage to cruise to the comfortable 2-0 position where I can draw in to the top 8. BUT, as "I came to play", I decide to play the third round. I get deck checked and it is discovered that I stupidly wrote down that I was using 16 islands and 0 forests instead of 10 islands and 6 forests. Whoops. And I get a game loss for this, just to spite me. Well, to make a long story short(er), I don't lose a GAME. I win every game after that and win the tournament! I'm looking at my deck that has just gone 12-0, without using forests in 8 of those games. Wow! I've obviously got the best deck in the world! So I decide, in the heady throes of victory, to start going to Grand Prixs (is that the plural of Grand Prix?). Boy was that a mistake! I get whooped in Austin by the mono-blue decks that are sitting about, however my highly-skilled associate Gary "Mr. Rules" Krakower manages to win the entire event with a deck from Mike Donais. So now I have the best mono-blue deck out there, as well as the best awakening deck! I figure I can't help but win in Birmingham. And with the more relaxed bye rules in England (I get three instead of two, however in Manila I would only get one - you figure it out), I'll get three byes! I'm in the money! Ah, the hopes and dreams of the ignorant. Chapter 2 - The Flight and Arrival In England --------------------------------------------- My flight for England is on Wednesday night, and is of course delayed by three hours. But, to make things up to us, they gave us free donuts. That seems worth three hours of my time. I arrive in London with no idea of where I'm staying, and having forgotten to bring the information about the GP. Whoops. My first impression of London was "boy, this looks a lot like the airports back home", but I quickly found the train into the city and headed off. Ha! I wish it was that easy! I go to the ticket counter to get a train ticket into London. I ask the price and he tells me like L9.20 (I'm using "L" as the pound symbol, as I can't be bothered to program the right thing in, and it looks like an "L" to most of us...). Using my traveller's savvy (and the information given to me in the "Go England" book I took out of the library not 20 hours earlier), I say "Is there anything cheaper" and he replies "L8.20". Odd - apparently if you ask more than once, they'll give you a cheaper price... I then (stupidly) ask the guy behind the ticket counter, who had just sold me the ticket, which train I should get on. Perhaps to be mischievous, or perhaps because he thought I was one of those cursed americans, he put me on the wrong train. Of course, I don't realize thus until I'm on the train and the ticket guy asks for my ticket and tells me I'm in the wrong spot. Great. But luckily it's not a problem, I just get off at the next stop and get on the next train. Actually, getting off at the next stop isn't as easy as it seems. Unlike in North America where the train doors open as if by magic, or even Germany where you have to open the doors yourself, in the U.K., you have to REACH OUT THE WINDOW and open the door from the outside. I guess that's cheaper than having a door handle on both sides of the door... I arrive in London and start wandering the station looking for pay phones and information on lodgings. Within minutes, someone rushes by me really, really quickly, and as I turn around, I hear "Stop Thief!". A woman then runs by me as well chasing the purse-snatcher. Welcome to London. It's odd, but I've seen more actual criminals fleeing in my three trips to Europe, than I've seen in my 26+ years living here in peaceful Canada. The more I travel the more I realize that there is no better place in the world than where I am right now! Clutching my bag a little more tightly, I eventually find lodging and start wandering the city. Chapter 3 - London (Part I) --------------------------- London is actually pretty dull. Having already been to Paris and Amsterdam, I found London to be much of the same. A whole bunch of buildings that are supposed to be old but were actually built within the past 50 years, surrounded and filled by a large number of incredibly overpriced shops and restaurants filled with people eager to rip-off stupid tourists. Now, Paris has the Eiffel Tower and the Champs D'Elysees (totally misspelled), which are cool and fun to explore, and Amsterdam has a steady drug trade, which is cool and fun to expore as well. Wait, no, drugs are NOT cool and fun to explore. In no way whatsoever am I defending or promoting the trade in or use of illicit drugs! It was bad! Anyways, London apparently has a lot of shows. "Phantom of the Opera", "Les Miserables", etc. Yuck. I don't know what it is about theatre, but it seems that every major city in the world that has theatre is showing the same damn shows. "Phantom" has been playing for eight years in Toronto, and I saw "Les Miz" about three months ago, also in Toronto. Why would I want to watch a show in London? Chapter 4 - NICOLE KIDMAN NAKED (Children under the age of 18 should ------------------------------- skip to chapter 5) I hope that answers your question on why you would want to watch a show in London. That's right, there's a play called "The Blue Room" that is currently showing in London and stars Nicole Kidman in various stages of undress. Apparently the play may actually be good as well. Described as "Theatrical Viagra" by some reviewer, I was more than eager to expand my repetoire of plays and my taste for drama by partaking of some quality theatre. Of course, I don't know where the show is playing, or how to get tickets, but when faced with difficulties, I'm the sort of "take-charge" person who gets things done (I read that on my resume - see last paragraph). I find the theatre and discover that the show is sold out. What a surprise! In the streets there are dozens of people trying to sell these Phantom and Les Miz tickets, along with a variety of other boring and predictable plays, but when it comes to something that people actually want to see, it's sold out. The only way in is to wait outside the theatre for people to return tickets because they cannot attend. The line outside is about five people long. The show is at 8pm, I'm there at 5pm, and I ask how long they've been waiting. "Since 10:30 this morning". YIKES. Apparently I'm not the only one with a taste for a London show. Despite there normally only being five returned tickets, I head off to my hostel, have some dinner, and return at 7 to see how things are. I'm about 15th in line, and it's a pleasant day (apparently a rarity in London), so I wait around to see if I can get lucky. Unfortunately, it was not to be tonight, so at 8:05 I head off to wander the city... Chapter 5 - London (Part II) ---------------------------- London by night is much like London by day except you can't see anything. It's still extremely crowded and expensive. Now, when I say expensive, many of you are probably just nodding your heads going "sure, sure, whatever", but it was EXPENSIVE. A small can of pop can run you up to $1.50-$2.00, a McDonald's value meal (product placement - I can get paid for this!) costs around $9.00 and the cheapest hotel in Birmingham, which isn't even close to London, was $150 a night, the most expensive was well over $250. The hostel I stayed in was $55 compared to $20 in Germany and $25 in Los Angeles. The average meal is about $20 and the servings are not quite the size of your average American steak house. I thought France and Germany were expensive, but I had no idea what expensive really meant! And from the looks of things, Italy may be even worse! So I'm just wandering around the "hotspots" where there are lots of people hanging out and doing touristy things (like spend way too much money on silly souvenirs) when I hear a whole bunch of young girls screaming! Now people may joke that surely, by now, I should be used to having girls scream when they see me, but this was different, these girls had no idea I was there! So what were they screaming about? Chapter 6 - PUFF DADDY NAKED ---------------------------- Oh please - like anyone wants to read about Puff Daddy naked! Chapter 7 - No Really, We DO Want To Read About Puffy Daddy Naked ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fine, but you're not going to do it here! Unfortunately for the many female fans reading this (ha!), Puff Daddy was fully dressed. However he was walking into MTV's London office/club for some sort of party or event, along with some other group that I'd never heard of (back something...). Hundreds of girls were crowded around for a glimpse or a nod. Of course, I didn't realize it was only Puff Daddy until after I had fought my way to the front of the crowd, at which point I was so disappointed I headed back out, before I got the chance to join the chanting of "We Want Puffy". I was hoping it would be someone fun to see like Madonna or the Spice Girls, but it was just Puffy. Chapter 8 - London (Part III) ----------------------------- No doubt you're getting as bored of London as I was. I actually managed to get lost a bunch of times wandering the streets as none of them are at right angles and they have a tendency to turn and weave. As well, they have almost no street signs! Maybe 60% of the streets have a street sign, and they only face traffic, so if you're on one of the many one way roads, you're screwed. Apparently even native Londoners carry maps with them! (brief history lesson) It appears, according to my trusty "Go Europe" (actually, it was some other guidebook, but they're not paying the placement fee), that after WWII almost all of London was destroyed and had to be rebuilt. But, instead of redesigning things so it was easy to get around and was easy to use, the city planners decided to keep things a hopeless muddle. Brilliant. I can only guess that the descendants of these people are now the ones running sanctioned tournaments... (end lesson) I head back to the hostel and sleep. The next morning I get to eat the hearty meal of bacon, eggs, sausage, and tomatoes. Tomatoes? Yup, people eat cooked/stewed tomatoes for breakfast. They were actually pretty good! I figure whenever I'm travelling I should always eat whatever locals happen to eat (or the closest I can get). Sometimes it doesn't work out, but you have to figure that it's unlikely an entire country enjoys eating something which tastes really crappy (except maybe for haggis...). I head out to wander the city some more. Everything that I really wanted to see cost a lot of money to enter (makes sense). Westminster Abbey cost $13 just to enter (I thought churches were charitable?), you can't enter Buckingham Palace or the Parliament/Big Ben, and the Tower of London looks really cool but friends had warned me about paying $27 for a big tourist trap disappointment. I did go to Harrods and it's big and expensive as well, and it doesn't sell magic! What are these WotC UK Marketing people up to? It does, however, sell small cars for kids that actually drive at 25mph, and for the small price of $15,000! So after walking around the various sites of London, what should I do to keep busy? Chapter 9 - NICOLE KIDMAN NAKED (Some chapters are worth repeating!) ------------------------------- Wait, first I went to a couple magic stores in hopes of meeting anyone who was going to Birmingham as I had no idea what I was going to do there or where I was going to stay. Chapter 10 - Wandering The Magic Stores Of London ------------------------------------------------- I had no idea where any magic stores were in London, but I figured if I could find a sold-out play with no idea of where it was playing, I could find a magic store. So I happen to wander by a "tourist information" shop and go in to ask whether they have any information on comic stores. Surprisingly, they do, and even more surprisingly, the stores are near together in central London. We'll call these stores A and B.