| [Author's Note: Several animal rights activists
have complained about Ferratio's diet of kittens dipped
in Cheese-Wiz. After explaining it was either that or baby harp seals, they stopped protesting.] - Originally appeared in the August edition of the Vault e-zine (www.vaultmag.com) Quard's Corner: How May I Help You?Welcome one and all to the latest edition of Quard's Corner. I have heard from other writer's that the hardest part in writing an article or story is coming up with the opening line. Me, I just like to state the obvious. After all, to get here you had to click on that little line that says "Quard's Corner" and here I am welcoming you to what you just selected. Now I will continue with being obvious as I welcome you all to the end of the fifth sentence of the first paragraph of Quard's Corner. And if you think you were gypped then you're going to be really steamed when you realize this sentence has nothing of value in it either. Anyways, welcome to an area where Magic and humor co-exist with a fly-headed basement dwelling Magic enthusiast and his imaginary trained typing ferret that is forced to transcribe his blatherings or suffer the discomfort of listening to Polka music. Bad Polka music. Bad, bad Polka Music.Q: Hey Quard, I keep hearing from people of all the cheaters
on the Pro
A: Well it seems that WotC/DCI has finally had enough of this
Q: Uh... isn't that going to create some problems, Quard? - FedUp, Internet A: The only problem that I can think of besides the potential
accuracy
Q: I hear that after all these years the "Rules Team" has changed
the
A: Yes, before Lightning bolt landed under the creature and yes
the
Q: I hear that the only way good cards like Mana Drain will ever
be
A: Rent a bus and see if the theory is sound. Players all
over the
Q: I keep hearing about this rule book called Oracle that contains
lots
A: Well look at it this way, if only the judges know the rules
all you
Q: Quard, is there anything you'd like to see in the Duelist? - Harve, Internet A: Sure...a centerfold of Terese Nielsen's Elvish Ranger! Va-va-va-voom! Q: What is the quickest time in which a Goblin Bomb has reportedly
gone
A: Reports have it that the Goblin Bomb went off immediately
on the
Q: What do you think about a dress code for magic tourneys, Quard? - Fred, Internet A: I think it would be quite fun if all players wore dresses. Q: Hey Quard, how do you know a card really really sucks? - Jason C., Macon Georgia A: When Canticle, aka Jeff Franzmann, flatly refuses to use it
in his
Q: Hey Quard-man, why don't you use cool magic terms like Beatdown,
A: Before I lose all english literary skills and start using
terms like
Q: Yo Quard, when are we going to see more of Ferratio,
that lovely
A: You'll be happy to know that next month's Quard's Corner will
feature
Q: What's the easiest way I can make sure that a judge is always
A: Use an Illusionary Mask deck laced with Jolrael's Centaurs,
Lurkers,
Q: Can I sacrifice my opponent to my Lord of the Pit? - Rei Nakazawa, Internet A: Yes, but first you need to tape the LoP to a wood chipper.
You can
Q: Is it legal during my draw phase to get out the crayons and
start
A: As long as you don't take too long, go for it. There
will be side
Q: I just started playing tournaments and the veteran players
keep
A: They're just jealous because your knowledge of bathing has
not been
Q: How many judges does it take to change a lightbulb? - Carl Butte, Montana A: None. The DCI has banned all lightbulbs from tournament
play because
Q: What do I do if a voluptuous woman who is my opponent attempts
to
A: In the words of a chum of mine, *THE* Jeff Donais,
when I asked him
Q: I really want to get a set of the Power 9, but I can't afford
the
A: You'll be happy to know that I'm selling the Power 7 for only
$125
Q: What do you think people miss out of the most at a Magic tournament?
A: Fresh air *gasp* thanks to all the people out there that obviously
Q: Is Lotus Vale a good card? - Clueless, Internet A: Yes, I encourage my opponents to play it so with one spell
I can
Q: Hey Quard, you seem to know a lot about what goes on in the
Magic
A: Why sure, after doing some digging here's a couple I found out about: Lotus Whack
0
"Hey, I followed the instructions, don't blame me!"
Gives all invertebrates +1/+1. "If he had arms, he'd raise them in defiance."
Islandwalking. 0: Blood Sucking Rabid Dolphins gain Trample and
If during any turn a creature that Blood Sucking
"Squuuuuee this!"
Cannot be countered when cast. When Peace comes into play all players are filled with
"And all in the land didst take up basket weaving and music
W: If opponent cheats, acts like a whiny cry-baby, tries
"Sportsmanship is paramount. Be nice or begone!"
Opponent loses XX life. Gain XX life. "Who said there was no such thing as a FAST Vampire?"
If The Neuterer attacks and is not blocked instead of dealing
"The Great Conjurers created him to ensure that the gene pool
Q: How do you find the time to write such a kick-ass column? - Will Rye, New Jersey A: I'm unemployed, of course. Anyone know where a self-appointed
Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask
me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so,
e-mail your questions to me at quardd@hotmail.com.
This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in over 3 years. If you'd like to talk with him please feel free to send him e-mail at quardd@hotmail.com. All feedback received is welcomed. Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like. |