Quard's Corner: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dominaria

Ferratio was very happy to see me and ran up my leg in his eagerness to welcome me back home (ouch!). He was even happier when I cleaned and re-filled his water bowl. By the way, I was touched by all the Don't Get Well Cards; you're all much too kind for words. 

Everyone but everyone (yes you) is talking about 5th Edition and judging from all the Tylenol WotC's customer service is taking, lots of you people are not happy with what they did. The local store owners are more than a tad upset as veteran players and the newbies they're warning, avoid 5th Edition like it's the plague. Retailers in my area are distressed at ordering 5th Edition only to hear their customers tell them how bad it is and pick up 4th Edition packs instead. Perhaps 5th Edition is a covert effort on WotC's part to clear out inventory and it's working as people who would have spent their money on 5th are snatching up 4th instead. Rumor has it that anyone spotted with 5th Edition cards is being taunted with cries of "Where's the Royal?", "Hey got a Serra?" and "Where's your Moti, wuss?" (Note: I absolutely refuse to abandon my remaining principle by calling the Mahamoti Djinn by some infantile nickname like FatMoti. So there.) 

For some bizarre reason Wizards of the Coast thought that no one would notice the frontal lobotomy they gave 5th Edition as they took out many of the good cards and put mostly compost filler (i.e. garbage) in their place. Perhaps with the success of Alliances, Mirage and Visions they thought they could afford to strip out many favored cards without putting an equal number of good cards in. Maybe they thought no one would mind getting less bang from their buck with the preponderance of rare cards that reek so bad you'd hug a skunk for relief. Then again, they could be Zak-Dorn Slay Beasties from the Andromeda Galaxy and there are things they cannot comprehend...like if we spend money on packs we don't want crap like the FE Storage Lands, Warp Artifact, Animate Wall, Caribou Range, Seraph (huck-ptuey!), Forget and Ironclaw Curse taking up the @%*#$ rare slots! *Sigh* I really wish I had some of those Flintstone chewables. 

Well, with that off my chest let's go answer some of your questions shall we? 

Q: Quard, I hear that WotC/DCI is thinking about making yet another change to Type II, that of leaving expansion sets in for 2 maybe 3 years. Why are they screwing with T2 again, do they have any clue as to what they're doing making *ANOTHER* change???? - Justin H. NYC 

A: Firstly, it's pretty clear to even people in a vegetative state that WotC never had any idea what they were doing in regards to the Type II tournament format. To date the rules have been changed more times than a 2 day-old baby's diaper (and thanks to Ferratio running up my leg I don't ever have to worry about that). Type II should be like all the other tournament formats, that is it must have consistent rules that don't keep changing and until it does, it's being treated by them like a joke. Secondly, keeping sets in for 2-3 years does nothing but what happened before when there were too many expansion allowed in T2 - it stagnates the environment. 

Q: But Quard, won't allowing expansions to stay in Type II longer help all of us out who can't afford to keep pace with the psycho rate WotC's churning out expansions? - Eileen T. New Jersey 

A: No actually it won't do anything for you, as some believe. By the time your wallet recovers to buy the next affordable expansion there will be 2 more in-print expansions that you still can't afford. If you didn't have the money to get them now, you still won't as long as they keep printing them so fast. 

Q: Does playing Sealed deck really even the odds for everyone playing? - Alan B. Ohio 

A: No it does not level the playing field or even the odds. The only way to do that is to give everyone starter decks and boosters with the same cards as everyone else and for everyone to be of equal skill. Some people get real bad decks in Sealed while others get god-like ones, it happens. However, Sealed is still a fun environment where you pay for the cards and afterwards get to play in a tournament for free. Not bad (unless we're talking about 5th Edition decks...eeewwww). 

Q: Why with 5th are they trying to force us to play with all these sucky cards? - Gertie G., New Hampshire 

A: You're not the only one that caught on with the removal of Serra, Sengir, Whelp and Mahamoti that WotC is trying to get us to play with rotten cards like the tremendously over costed, poorly designed and so weak someone should have been fired Seraph. Ugh. Revolt before it's too late! Viva Le Revolution! 

Q: How does the reprint policy help us Magic players? - Fred, Texas 

A: It doesn't. The Reprint Policy's effect was like a WotC issued Oath of Loyalty to the comic and card shops that sell Magic cards on the secondary market. Although the claim is that it was created for the players' protection to ensure they won't be ripped off by speculators, what it actually did was ensure that the secondary card market would stay alive and prospering by charging even more ridiculous and outrageous prices for OOPS (Out of print cards). This is the very same secondary market that WotC swore to us players that they didn't care about. Almost as soon as the policy was announced, most good cards that were promised not to ever be reprinted shot up in price at these stores overnight. Great, so who are these damned speculators that overcharge all the players out there that WotC created their Reprint Policy to protect us? That's right, it's all those stores that jacked up their prices on cards that were not on WotC's Reprint Policy. So how did this protect us players? It didn't. If you want a decent card now you have to pay more for it because of WotC's policy. Good move WotC in creating a Reprint Policy that was supposed to prevent us from being ripped off that guarantees we'll get ripped off if we try to obtain decent OOPs. We really didn't need help like this. 

Q: A lot of WotC staffers have been quoted to say that they feel that the greater the degree of luck the less enjoyable the game. What do you think? - Darryl C., San Jose 

A: First ask them if they own the Power 9 and then ask me that question again. 

Q: I heard that a lot of people playing in Pro Tours actually announce and show a spell before tapping their mana, something that's so basic to the rules of the game as to be unbelievable. I heard one person even got disqualified doing it in one of the Pro Tours! - Erick, NJ 

A: What can I say, there are a lot of "pros" out there on the Pro Tour that don't know how to cast spells. Perhaps the Pro Tour should be retitled the "Mediocre Tour." Also the person you're referring to did not get disqualified, he lost the match and still got the cash. Now if it was you, you'd get nothing. So be a Pro Tour player and get special treatment... it's there in the rules somewhere. I wonder how the guy who took third felt about that one... 

Q: What do you think is the worst thing, besides all the good cards that they removed, about 5th Edition? - Devan T., South Carolina 

A: That finally the new art for all the special lands is great but the lands themselves suck (except the City of Brass). 

Q: Dear Quard, knowing what kind of guy you are and that it's April, I wonder how many of these rares are you actually going to keep for yourself so that you don't have to spend the money to get reprints? - J. Palmer, MD 

A: Actually this was no joke (the joke was 5th Edition), I am accepting all 5th Edition rares that people know suck so that I can rip them up and send them back to Wizards of the Coast with a nicely worded letter of disdain. If you have any sucky 5E rares that you think suck so bad they should never have been put or left in 5th then see the notice at the end of this article for where to send them. All rares will not be kept, but shredded and sent back to WotC. 

Q: I was wondering, does Ferratio type in any other languages? - Vivian, MD 

A: My imaginary trained typing ferret is literate in all languages imaginary and otherwise. However Vault only accepts submissions in English so that's all you'll ever see him do here. Excuse me while I go fish him out of his water bowl... 

Q: Why can't anyone but me see that the Sisay Ring is obviously an attempt at humor by WotC?? I mean, they even name it Sisay, which any half-wit can look at and say "Huh-huh, Sissy ring. Cool." Next, they'll have a Cra-pay Lotus, which cost 6 for the same affect as a black lotus. - Neon Knight, Internet 

A: One of the reasons people can't see things like Lion's Eye Diamond and Sissay Ring as funny is that they're paying for these useless cards. If WotC wants to be funny, let them do it on they're wallets and leave ours alone. Give us cards we can work with (and stop making 15 card boosters!). Besides, the LED is the Crappy Lotus. 

** SPECIAL NOTE ** 

Vincent B. Navarino 
I Live on this Street 
My City, My State My Zip 

All crummy 5E Rare cards received will be passed through Quard's shredder and will be shipped back to Wizard's of the Coast in their newly shredded form, along with a very nicely worded "No Thank You Note." Feel free to enclose in your submissions a little note explaining why you think the Rares you are sending to be shredded reek. 

Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your questions to me at quardd@hotmail.com. 

This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in 3 years. If you'd like to talk with me please can e-mail him at quardd@hotmail.com. All feedback received is welcomed. 

Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.