Dr. Mad Dog:
"The Great UnGlued Sets"
By Sean "Mad Dog" Roney


Okay, I'm sure all of you out there have heard about the
wonderfully wacky set for M:TG called "UnGlued." Cards as 
psycho as a wet hamster get force-fed to all of us and we 
enjoy it. I myself would have preferred a rule addition 
where you can eat medical waste as a buyback cost, or the 
new Shavatog, where you shave your head bald then paint a 
big yellow happy face on your new chrome dome to give the 
sucker +4/+4.  But hey, UnGlued is good as it is.

The instant sales success among chicken coops and silly 
players world wide has caused UnGlued to be a very good 
investment for WotC, allowing them to buy a monopoly 
over Antarctican Frog Farming. Also wanting to cash in 
on the hunger for deviously psycho cards, the designers 
of other games have begun to create their own knock offs. 
It seems the more popular ccg's are getting a major face 
lift with these new clown-around sets.

As your trusted and dedicated consumer investigator, I 
have taken a look at these new sets and will provide you 
with product reports. After all, why waste your money on 
a set only to find out you can't use the extra commons as 
nose tissue because they aren't durable enough? Some of 
you may want to know how good certain sets are at stopping 
random assassin bullets from piercing them while you play 
in a New York park. There are even a few of you out there 
who only buy ccg's to use the cards as rabbit cage lining, 
so information before you buy is crucial to your bunny-
rabbit's happiness. I have done all the dirty work (Like 
seeing how many of each sets' cards can be flushed down 
a toilet at once, or using them as toppings for pizzas) 
so that you won't have to spend valuable time trying to 
figure out these things yourself. So, without further 
stalling, here is Dr. Mad Dog's consumer report on these 
latest sets.

Star Wars: "Obi Wan's Plunger Factory"

Yes, Obi Wan did die in the first Star Wars movie, but 
this set is based upon his service in the plumbing 
industry before his Jedi involvement. This set is nearly 
100 cards big, but even that small it packs a punch of 
not only game power, but in story. You see, if you read 
every lore box on every card in this set, you end up 
reading an essay that shows you how the force is actually 
stomach gas. After all, many of us have seen old Aunt 
Bessie (Or similar relative) lifted up by one of her home-
brewed nuclear farts! Gas is what makes the whole Star 
Wars world tick, it just looks like magical powers because 
you can't get the smell from watching a movie. The cost 
for a 8-card booster back is either $1.95 or a nice clean 
roll of toilet paper. What makes this set better than just 
its humor is the fact that the rares have little rubber 
edges that make them usable as plungers. They don't come 
with handles, but just think of how cool Darth Vader's 
Magic Battery Goat is when it not only wins you games, but 
unplugs those nasty messes for you, too.

Star Trek: "Captain's Toupee"

This set takes place in the various Star Trek movies and 
shows, and is based primarily upon the captains of these 
adventures (Yes, Janeway does need a toupee, if any of you 
want the info go to www.fakestartreknews.duh). Exactly 80 
cards make up this set. Among the rarest of the cards is 
"Kirk's Captain's Log, Stardate 7980247349835574985.9082" 
of which there will only be printed a number equal to the 
amount of Purple African Grass Tigers in the wild today. 
While not the most powerful of effects, this card allows 
you to talk like Kirk in order to seed dilemmas at missions 
during the game. The lore text isn't funny, but does a 
great job of explaining why Starfleet was too cheap to 
put seatbelts on the USS-Enterprise. These cards are going 
to be distributed like Warp Packs, which means they'll be 
free to any beginner or any veteran player who whines for 
over ten hours. If you would like to get your Captain's 
Toupee cards earlier than the stores, then send Decipher 
somewhere in the range of $1000 in rusty 1998 pennies. That 
should be just enough to bribe them into letting you have 
a free pack...just remember to also pay for shipping and 
handling or you'll really have wasted your lunch money. 
Just like non-game usefulness put into Obi's Factory, 
Captain Toupees have special uses. Decipher put a special 
voice-recognition glue on every card with a picture of 
Kirk or Janeway that will make the cards stick to your 
head like a toupee every time you watch an episode with 
the respective captain in it.

Babylon 5: "Rocket Gerbils"

A new wily rodent race enters the Bab5 game. In this 
74-card set, you can wield the awesome power of the fluffy 
little beasts we all know and love as gerbils. You can 
only play this new race if you own a gerbil and actually 
bring it along in a breast pocket of your shirt so that 
its cute little face sticks out to greet everyone you play. 
The booster packs of 4 cards come wrapped not in pretty 
foil, but in actual gerbil tubing. This way you not only 
get a lot of cool cards, you get to collect new parts for 
your gerbil colony. $9.15 a pack, but well worth it. If 
you end up getting the "I Am Hungry! Weet Weet Weet" card, 
you can scratch and sniff to discover the great aroma of 
rodent droppings. I say this card is the coolest because it 
actually has the word Weet in it, the very sound gerbils 
make!

Battletech: "Lego Mania"

The R&D at WotC must have stolen some rabbit poop and smoked 
it because there's nothing cool about this set other than the 
fact that all the pictures of robots have them made of Lego 
bricks. These cards come randomly distributed inside actual 
Lego sets available anywhere kids toys are sold. At least it 
gives us all a reason to go to Toys R Us again! These cards 
are weak, though.

L5R: "Happy Sushi" 

I personally don't play L5R, but I requested from FRPG that 
they send me some of these cards anyway so that I could put 
them through testing. They come a little bit pre-cooked (To 
make sure infectious bacteria are killed) and taste great! 
There is a downside to eating these cards as sushi, because 
the ink they're printed with is recycled nuclear factory 
run-off. Its very toxic, and very sickening. After eating a 
single card, you'll experience a trance about 1 hour later. 
If you eat two cards, you'll see little dancing Shadowlands 
Goblins nearly 30 minutes afterwards. If you eat 3-7 cards, 
expect to be needing a few rares from the Obi's Factory set. 
If you eat any more than that...well, expect to be in the 
funny farm forever. To any of you who are wondering, I ate 
7 and 1/2 cards, and am currently writing this article on a 
laptop as I avoid the men in white coats. These things truly 
are "Happy Sushi." As for their power, boosters, and design, 
I can't update you on that since I ended up eating all the 
cards and papers FRPG sent me.

Wyvern: "Ultra Edition"

Finally! Wyvern is reborn! This set will have every card 
ever printed for every Wyvern set. They will be gold bordered 
and have clarified text. There isn't anything funny about 
this set (Unless you hate Wyvern and can't wait to see it 
die again). This time around new artists have done the 
paintings and actually get credit on the cards. The "Wyvern" 
is historically correct and has only two legs this time. 
It'll be great to see Wyvern come back...Um, never mind this 
whole thing. I was just reading a Happy Meal side panel for 
the games. Somehow the Happy Sushi is still affecting me and 
I imagined the whole thing about Ultra Edition. Sorry to all 
of you out there who actually like Wyvern...

Middle Earth: "Politically Correct"

Hobbits are called "Height Challenged." Wargs are now 
called "Canine Mounts." Goblins are known as "Those in 
Need of a Dermatologist." Wizards are the "Anal Retentives." 
In fact, nearly every concept of the ME game is altered. If 
you find all the stupid terms of politicians funny, then 
this set is for you. Randomly assorted foil containers of 
cards (Not booster packs, and packed in an irregular number) 
are available at any US Post Office building for about $40.29 
per pack. Have fun pacifying the challenge of the hygiene 
challenged. (Have fun battling the crap out of those evil 
orcs).

Rage: "UnGutted"

The final UnGlued knock off out there is also being done by 
an underling of WotC. This set is called UnGutted for a 
good reason. For the first time, a Rage expansion set does 
not have any pictures of blood or guts anywhere in any card 
pictures. Instead, a sickening arrangement of intestines, 
bladders, hearts, and blue balloons (How did Lucky Charms get 
in there?) all make up the borders of every card in this set. 
Dripping werewolf bile and blood get in the way of many 
important parts of the text. 40-card preconstructed decks are 
available for $9.99 at any comic shop or doctor's emergency 
room.

Top Ten

With a review of each UnGlued knock off, I decided to let you 
all catch a glimpse of the most powerful cards before they 
hit the stores. I did not participate at all in the making 
of this list. This consumer Top 10 list was complied by the 
days of work a warren of Netherland Dwarf rabbits spent voting 
on the power of each card. Despite the only rabbit of all the 
sets being the top card, I don't think they're biased.

10) Cute Puppy (Rage: UG) Drew Tucker painted this one, so 
we don't know what the heck is going on here. Maybe the pup 
is nice or maybe he's trying to bite us. This card is an enemy 
card that forces all Garou to play nice and not bother any 
other enemies in the hunting grounds.
9) Obi Wan's Turd Monkey (SW: OWPF) A monkey made of...well, 
do you have to even guess with a name like "Turd Monkey." 
Anyway, this card is actually a site for the Light Side that 
allows you to smack your opponent in the face with a real 
plunger in order to reduce all force drains performed on you 
by half.
8) I'm Not a Little Man, I'm a Dwarf, No Wait a Minute...I'm 
Height Challenged...Wait, I Hate That Word Too, Let Me Change 
It! (ME: PC) Title is so big there's no room for a pic. It 
makes it so that hobbits can...um, er. Wait, the title's so 
long there's no room for a text box either! I'll have to 
revise this list later. Note to the old lady who edits this: 
Make it a Top 9 and remove this entry :-)
7) Don't Let Them Say Weet (B5: RG) The new gerbil race is 
just way to freaking powerful, even with their limited size 
of cards. This is the one non-gerbil card in the entire set. 
This reduces the Military power of all Gerbil-Tube-Fleets to 
a mere 1, and if the gerbil player puts out an aftermath 
card, they lose an influence. This is great!
6) I'm a Doctor, Not a Wig Maker (ST: CT) This interrupt 
allows you to download good old Bones when a toupee-wearing 
Kirk is about to be killed by a dilemma. It also has the 
alternate use of being a MEDICALx19 personnel in case you 
forgot to pack a doctor in your deck.
5) Yoda's Effective Soup (SW: OWPF) Little Yoda just loves 
to make that soup of his. The bad part of all that lack of 
fiber is that his pots of grub give you a serious case of 
the runs! "Make you run like river, I will." It seems 
Decipher went out of their way with OWPF to give us the 
most sickening cards using bowwel movements we've ever seen 
since the artwork on Stasis. This card can be eaten to give 
yourself a bad case of Yoda's funny-runs. This will end the 
game as a draw right there and then. Although it never lets 
you win, at least it keeps you from losing.
4) Baldie Kirk (ST: CT) An OFFICER with Diplomacy, 
Leadership, and Annoying Pause abilities. He also allows 
you to download a toupee in place of a card draw. Just take 
a look at the toupees in this set to see why this ability 
kicks so much butt.
3) Baldie Janeway (ST: CT) Same as Kirk in numbers and 
abilities, except she has Annoying Nasal Voice instead of the 
Annoying Pause. Also allows you to download a toupee, but only 
once per game. This is because she comes with a toupee already 
(Artifact; Nullifies any planetary dilemma; Seven used at once 
nullify any space dilemma).
2) THE BIIIIG ONE (SW: OWPF) Ever wonder what Yoda would look like 
on a toilet? The Light Side pic shows our poor little green dude 
in mid-dump. He even has that characteristic far-off look cats 
get when they're in their litter boxes. The Dark Side shows 
what happens after the Emperor forgets to eat his daily 
oatmeal. What's it do? Good question. Let's just say it allows 
you to use raw sewage to make really big force drains.
1) Killer Bunny (B5: RG) Finally, we get to the number one of 
all the UnGlued knock off cards. It has to be Bab5's Killer 
Bunny. This ultra-rare card autographed by Harvey the Rabbit 
is the leader of the whole gerbil race (I sort of knew all 
along that gerbils weren't organized enough to go into battle 
on their own). Intrigue, Diplomacy, and even Military are each 
19 on this card. The problem, you have to feed a member of your 
inner circle to the hamster in your breast pocket each turn or 
else he opposes you in EVERY conflict you partake in. He's well 
worth it though. He can even rotate to cancel the play of any 
"Don't Let Them Say Weet" card.