Subject: The Finer Points (humor)
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 23:44:31 -0500 (CDT)
From: c722500@showme.missouri.edu
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com

"This Unglued is so crazy... I've GOT to get in on this action...."

                                -Jiggy Spice, directly before
                                 participating in the worst
                                 Tempest/Unglued draft game EVER.

Welcome back to the Finer Points, where a guy can get his name butchered
and not feel too bad (it's Joe, not Joey). Let's try to get it right this
time, Fred.

(Editors Note: It is Joey, and "Right" - FSK)

* MIKE LONG HATE *

Never has something happening in someone's lap perpetuated so much
controversy.

Wait a minute, that's not right.

I hang out on IRC on occasion, and the general opinion is that Mike Long's
name only belongs in a sentence if it is either preceded or followed by an
expletive. Such examples I've seen are "Mike Long is a damn cheater",
"Damn, Mike Long cheats a lot", "Mike Long is damn lucky he wasn't
disqualified", and "Damn damn damn damn Mike Long damn damn." I know I was
offended by the abusive language.

Well how about this sentence: Who gives a damn that Mike Long cheated?

There is one guy who should care, and that's the guy who didn't get to
represent the US team at Worlds because Long didn't get DQed. But chances
are that you're not him, so give it up.

First of all, whining on IRC is pointless. Most people there aren't there
to hear you whine... they're just there to find people to play on
Apprentice with a deck they stole off the Dojo. If you didn't go to
Nationals, or you aren't on the Pro Tour (like me), this should affect you
just about as much as not seeing "I Got Da Hook-up."

So, for the rest of you who feel you personally got screwed by this, if
you really want something to change, don't complain about it. Don't write
more articles on the Dojo. It's time for action. You have to kick Mike
Long's ass.

And write a report about it on the Dojo. And be graphic. Don't use a lot
of expletives, though.

* YOU'RE A BAD PERSON IF... *

Here are some new editions to the list. If you have your own suggestions
for "Bad Person" cards, drop me a line at c722500@showme.missouri.edu.

Denied!: Did you stop kicking your dog so you could read this?
Timmy, Power Gamer: Wipe that damn smile off your face, you freak....
Creeping Mold: S-U-C-K, we wonder how you got that way....
The Abyss: I bet you had sex with an intern and told her to lie about it.
Null Brooch: So you've been a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys for how
             long?

* MAGIC AS AN APHRODISIAC *

Sorry, kids, it's not that simple.

* THE DARK PERIOD *

Everybody hits a low point, apparently.

It's that point where you lose two out of three games against a deck with
Telethopter.

"I'll tap my Rootwater Diver to give it flying!"

Not that this has happened to me, mind you. More than once, anyway.

And then there's a point when you've got this steadily pimpin' deck... you
know it kicks ass and takes names (alphabetically), and then thanks to
your opponent eliminating you with a god draw, you're left with a
deer-in-the-headlights look.

Now, I don't use the terms "scrub" (except when watching sporting events)
or "chumly" (this sounds like something the President would name his dog),
because frankly, the term "asshole" serves the same purpose and is a lot
more fun to say. I guess it goes back to my second grade mentality. But
you don't really fit into a player type when you are in a "dark period."

I used to call it "the dollar curse" some time ago. The tourneys I go to
only cost a dollar to enter, and they are single elimination. Every time I
paid a dollar, I lost miserably. I kept thinking to myself, "Damn, I pay
my dollar, and my poison deck keeps losing! Why?"

Later I disproved this theory after actually bringing a deck that could
contend. Not copied off the Dojo, mind you, I didn't have the money for it
then, I don't have the money for it now.

The dark period.

Have you ever wondered if a better player than yourself ever took twenty
straight points of damage from a Scryb Sprite (Bleedin' Fairies!)?

The dark period.

The one-land draw in the second and third games against a land destruction
deck....

The dark period.

Getting killed by Dan-Dan.... (This never happened to me, I swear to God)

The dark period.

Well, the one good thing about a dark period is that women are attracted
to depression. Otherwise they wouldn't watch soap operas.

* DENOUEMENT *

Well, that's enough for me. Be sure to catch the next Finer Points where
the crewman of the Weatherlight with the nicest ass will be discussed.

Joe "Jiggy Spice" Grimes
BigSmooth on IRC