Well, it seems I have some news about the fights a while ago. It seems that Granny Sengir lived through the ordeal by hiding under the giant Serra Angel's skirt. She has now started to recruit various Sengir Autocrats and many Serf Tokens and has begun a total war on the Homelands. In further news, the Goblin Hero who butted in the fights is now airing his name: Grub. He says he has further fights against other useless 2/2 creatures. I notified him that the projected Ironman Arena will be a Plains from Portal that I will rent from some an Icatian Preist for only 5 cents. As I do not have that kind of money, Grub has takenit upon himself to collect them. He's arranged a sock full of quarters and is now trying to hit people with it and steal their money.

I myself have been doing some spy work in the mean time. Unlike Rick Swan, I managed to break into WotC headquarters. My intent was to steal some pennies to pay rent for the Plains, but I ended up finding a few secret documents written by a mysterious Mr. Garfield. It appears that this man named after a fat orange cat has created what are known as the "Laws of Magic," and I was able to steal them. So, without further delay, here are the Laws of Magic I stole...er, found just lying around...at Wizards of the Coast.

1. DCI Wisdom --isn't.
2. Mana-screwless decks --aren't.
3. A lack of mana is Magic's way of telling you to slow down.
4. The card combo you're ignoring is the main attack.
5. Working sideboards --aren't.
6. If its really stupid and it works, then it isn't really stupid.
7. When you have a lock accomplished, don't forget to tell the opponent.
8. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on mana.
9. The easy way is always Counterspelled.
10. Metagames work both ways.
11. Sh*t happens.
12. Incoming bolts have the right of way.
13. Team games are essential. It gives them other people to attack.
14. Never draw attacks in chaos Magic. It irritates the people around you.
15. No tournament ready deck has ever passed the metagame.
16. No metagame ready deck has ever passed a tournament.
17. If both of you think you're gonna lose, then you're both right.
18. Pros are very predictable, but tournaments are full of killer amateurs.
19. Counterspell from the front and you'll get your rear bolted.
20. When in doubt, Fireblast.
21. In Magic, important things are simple and simple things are very hard.
22. Don't look conspicuous. It reminds them to attack.
23. Contact with the judge will fail as soon as you need rule help.
24. Judges ain't neutral.
25. Never play in a team with anyone braver than you are.
26. Remember, your deck is made from your cards.
27. If you can't remember, their creatures are pointed towards you.
28. All of their six-turn-wins only take them three turns.
29. The only thing more accurate than their direct damage is their breath.
30. If your game is going really well then its an ambush.
31. No fun deck survives the first round intact.
32. If it flies, then it dies.
33. Suppressive combos --aren't.
34. You are not Richard Garfield.
35. You are not BethMo.
36. You are not Superman.
37. Tradewidn Rider doesn't always come to the rescue.
38. Fatties are the ultimate in air support.
39. Mog Fanatics Motto: "Reach out and touch someone."
40. Fun is our profession. Compulsive rule lawyering is just a hobby.
41. Swarming for fun is like Grey Orge-ing for the Pro Tour.
42. Mad Dog is a scrub.
43. There's always a way!
44. Its not the one with your name on it. Its the card addressed "To whom it may concern." You have to think about this.
45. Remember Earthquakes are area weapons.
46. Fireslingers are equal opportunity weapons.
47. Bolts are very prejiduced weapons.
48. There is no such thing as the perfect combo.
49. Good decks in InQuest --aren't.
50. Strategy in Scrye --isn't.
51. The opponent attacks on two occasions:
    1. When you are ready for it.
    2. When you aren't ready for it.
52. Anything you do can get you to lose, including nothing.
53. DCI Math: 1 mulligan times 4 cheatings plus one win equals Pro Tour Qualification.
54. Cards that must be together to work, never get in the game that way.
55. If you take more than your share of challenges, you'll be given more than your share of challenges to take.
56. Price guides in the Duelist --are.
57. Bathed Magic players --aren't.
58. Green player's saying while at Taco Bell: "Yo quero wins."
59. Total metagame --isn't.
60. Tournament player's saying: "Sleep? What the hell is that?"
61. If you play mono-white, they have four Glooms in their hand.
62. If you play mono-green, just give up.
63. Scrub's saying: "Flagpole rocks!"
64. PT Player's saying: "I hate Flagpole!"
65. All of your first-turn-wins take ten turns.
66. If you're ahead of your opponent, they've got the Disk.
67. Armageddon works both ways.
68. Wrath of God works both ways.
69. In case you forgot, you didn't metagame for the deck they're using.
70. Existence of Type I --isn't.
71. Fair games --aren't.
72. If you have seven Workhorses and you buy an Exodus booster, you're going to get another damned horse.
73. Magic players are just retired AD&D players.
74. AD&D players are just retired Magic players.
75. Flagpole is a cheat card.
76. Flagpole is a weak card.
77. Tradewind Riders enjoy it when you sit around and do nothing.
78. Richard Garfield was the model for Atog.
79. R Garfield was the model for Brown Ouphe.
80. If you've used your counterspell on their bolt, they have a fireball in their hand.
81. Try not to waste Man-O-Wars, they always bring out three creatures the turn after.
82. DCI Math: 1 tournament attendance plus four opponents played against minus four losses equals a rating of 1143.
83. Don't look behind you. It only gives them a chance to draw.
84. Don't reach out for more than you can draw into your hand.
85. A slip of their hand makes you lose quicker than with a fun deck.
86. A Magic player and his/her money are soon parted.
87. A Magic player and his/her money never meet.
88. One player's Geddon is another player's Bog Imp.
89. Don't show all your teeth until you can bite. They may have counterspells.
90. Show your teeth before you can bite. They may have Wrath of God.
91. Don't waste your whines on dead creatures. Just use a Gaeas Blessing.
92. Actions speak louder than words. So get back to the game.
93. As you make your deck so you must play with it.
94. He/she who pays WotC calls the tourneys.
95. Shout and the tournament shouts with you. Whine and you whine alone.
96. No tournaments are good tournaments.
97. Necessity was the mother of the Dojo.
98. Don't waste your time avoiding bad decks. They will come to you at tournaments.
99. Its the 61st card that made you lose.
100. Shivan Dragons can still be killed by a Rathi Dragon.
101. In case you forgot: Traderwind Riders attack too.
102. Useful Fallen Empires cards --aren't.
103. He/she who buys Homelands gives all the Tempest to the winning players.
104. Mono-blue perfect decks --aren't.
105. DCI kind treatment to judges --isn't.
106. He/she who attacks first gets Wrathed first.
107. He/she who Slighs first gets Geddoned/Tradewind Ridered first.
108. You can't hide with 5th ed land. All the forest's trees are gone.
109. In 5th Edition, hills of flowers give green mana.
110. Uktabi Orangutang isn't a sick picture. All that happened after they broke the camera.
111. Don't try to cross an Ensnaring Bridge until you disenchant it.
112. Squee is a scrub.
113. Don't flaunt your creatures. They get killed that way.
114. Your deck is illegal. DCI just errata'd its butt to Kingdom Come.
115. You're destined to get Sword of the Chosen as your Stronghold rare until you pay WotC $500 in unmarked bills.
116. In case you forgot: Magic is not a sport.
117. In case you forgot: Magic is not a game.
118. Collectible Card Games --aren't.
119. The next great expansion --isn't.
120. Ignore the Duelist.
121. Ignore InQuest.
122. Ignore Scrye.
123. Mines aren't found on Magic's battlefield, Quicksand is.
124. In case you forgot: Ice Age is banned.
125. The creature you forget to kill is the one that will make you lose.
126. Never tap out. They always have your death in their hand.

Well, it seems I lost the other 4000 of the laws, which had the page headers "Errata to Expansions Until the Year 2045." I don't know, it seems WotC knows how to alter every deck until then. Good thing I also borrowed their plans for their first 2046 expansion, entitled "Gerrard and the Weatherlight Crew Retire." Darn it, I think I left those behind too!