Subject: [HUMOR] Unglued Secret Cards Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 12:20:36 -0400 From: Dave Matteson To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com -------------------------------------------------------------------- By now most of you have probably seen the secret message that you can find after the series number on each Unglued card. In case you haven't seen it, here it is (taken from the awesome, fellow-Michigan site mtgnews.com) : Here are some cards that didn't make it to print: Socks of Garfield, Hot Monkey Love, Colonel's Secret Recipe, Squee's Play, Banned in France, Spoon, Disrobing Scepter, Butt Wolf, Lotus Roach, Sesame Efreet, Needless Reminder Text, Chicken Choker, Clockwork Doppleganger, Henway, HELP I'M TRAPPED IN CARTA MUNDI, Mad Cow, Poke, Lord of Wombats, Gratuitus Babe Art, Brother's War Bonds, Dwarven Kickboxer, Mickey's Drunk Pact with the Wastes, COP:BO, Urza's ChiaŽ Pet, Thallid Shooter, Shoelace, When Chihuahuas Attack, Wall of Cookies, Kobold Ninja, Mucusaur, Kjeldoran Outhouse, Bear in the Woods, Dental Thrull, Flavatog, Cereal Killer. Well I decided I would take my stab at what each of these might have done, at least, if I was on R&D... Socks of Garfield 4 (R) Artifact Socks of Garfield comes into play tapped. 2,(T),Sacrifice Socks of Garfield: Until end of game, you are considered to be the owner of all cards. "Smell? Only the stench of greed!" -- Lou, former WotC Laundryman Hot Monkey Love 2R (C) Instant Choose two target creatures controlled by any one player. Tap one of those creatures and destroy the other. If the tapped creature is a Gorilla, Ape, Baboon or other simian, it gets a +1/+1 counter. "Mommy look at the silly monkeys!" Colonel's Secret Recipe 1W (C) Sorcery Tap target creature and put an extra-crispy counter on it. Creatures with extra-crispy counters on them do not untap during their controller's untap phase, but gain "Eat this card: Gain 4 life. This card is considered to be removed from the game." Squee's Play 3R (U) Sorcery Tap any two creatures you control with total power greater than target creature's toughness. Destroy that creature. "Urngh!" Banned in France 1BB (U) Enchantment When Banned in France comes into play exclaim "French people are all a bunch of overgrown rats!" or sacrifice Banned in France. Say "Oh-ho-ho would you like a coi-sauNT!?" in a very annoying faux-French accent three times loudly: Draw a card. Spoon 1U (C) Interrupt Yell "Spoon!" loudly: If at least one other player judges your "Spoon!" to be Tick(R)-like, counter target spell. "I will trounce upon the spiny, wiggly, naughty back of evil!" Disrobing Scepter 3 (R) Artifact 3, (T): Target player chooses and removes an article of clothing. This ability may only be used during your turn. Butt Wolf 2G (C) Summon Hound [2/3] If any player has a butt wider than three feet, Butt Wolf gains +2/+1. "It was hideous! I could hear Sir Mix-A-Lot from miles away!!" -- Hans Lotus Roach 0 (R) Artifact Creature [0/1] During your upkeep, put a Roach token into play. Treat this token as an exact copy of this creature. (T), Sacrifice Lotus Roach: Add one mana of any colour to your mana pool. Play this ability as a mana source. Sesame Efreet 1GG (R) Summon Efreet [3/4] During your upkeep, roll four six-sided die, and do one of the following based on the total of the roll : 4 - Teach all players about the letters, A, B, C and D. 5-23 - Teach all players about the corresponding letter of the alphabet. 24 - Teach all players about the letters X, Y and Z. "This has been brought to you by the letters F and U, and by the number 69." Needless Reminder Text U (C) Instant Target creature gains one of the following abilities: Flying (This creature can only be blocked by creatures with Flying), First strike (This creature deals its combat damage before other creatures without First strike), Flanking (Creatures without Flanking blocking this creature get -1/-1 until end of turn), Phasing (At the beginning of your untap phase, if this creature is in play, it phases out. If it is phased out, it phases back in), Shadow (This creature can only block or be blocked by creatures with Shadow), Banding (We don't have room for this, find a Level IV Judge), Rampage: 2 (For each creature beyond the first assigned to block this creature, it gets +2/+2 until end of turn), Trample (Damage assigned by this creature greater than the total toughness of all blockers during combat is redirected to the defending player) or Protection from red (This creature cannot be the target of red spells or effects, damage dealt by red sources is reduced to 0 and this creature cannot be blocked by red creatures.) Chicken Choker 2RR (U) Summon Deviant [3/2] First strike. 1RR, (T): Destroy target Chicken. If Gratuitus Babe Art is in play, Chicken Choker does not untap during your untap phase. "Oh yeah... oh yeah... Oh YEAH.." Clockwork Doppleganger 7 (R) Artifact Creature [*/*] When Clockwork Doppleganger comes into play, choose target creature. Clockwork Doppleganger gets a number of +1/+0 counters equal to that creature's power and a number of +0/+1 counters equal to that creature's toughness. During your upkeep, remove a +1/+0 or +0/+1 counter from Clockwork Doppleganger or choose a new target creature. If you choose a new creature, put a +1/+1 counter on Clockwork Doppleganger and remove all +1/+0 and +0/+1 counters. Clockwork Doppleganger then gets a number of +1/+0 counters equal to the new target's power and a number of +0/+1 counters equal to the new target's toughness. Remove the +1/+1 counter. "What does it do?" "I don't know!" -- Jeff Donais and Dan Gray Henway (R) Legendary Land (T): Add one colourless mana to your mana pool. 2, (T): Regenerate target Chicken. HELP I'M TRAPPED IN CARTA MUNDI 2UU (R) Sorcery Set aside any number of cards from the top of your library. Make a circle around target player with these cards, with each card touching at least two other cards and not touching any part of that player's body. That player may not move any part of his or her body out of that circle until he or she calls for help and someone actually comes over to find out what's wrong. If that player moves any part of his or her body out of the circle before then, that player loses the game. "It was horrbile! There were Black Loti and Moxen everywhere you looked!" Mad Cow 2BB (U) Summon Cow [2/3] During your upkeep, destroy target Cow. If Mad Cow is put into the graveyard in this way, regurgitate your lunch into the nearest toilet or lose 3 life. Poke 1R (C) Instant Buyback: Say "Poke you." (When you play this spell, you may say "Poke you." in addition to any other costs. If you do, return this card to your hand instead of putting it in your graveyard as part of this spell's effect.) Poke deals 1 damage to target player. Lord of Wombats 3GG (R) Summon Lord [0/2] For each creature enchantment in play, all Wombats in play get +1/+1. Attacking does not cause Lord of Wombats to attack. "No, that's no misprint." Gratuitus Babe Art 1G (C) Instant Target player may not do anything until end of turn if he is male. Errata: Male or lesbian or bi-fem. Brother's War Bonds 2WW (U) Enchant World Any player may choose and discard a card to gain a bond counter. In fifty turns, that player may remove that bond counter to draw three cards. This ability may only be used during an attack. Dwarven Kickboxer 3R (U) Summon Dwarf [1/3] R, (T): If target player is less than six feet tall, Dwarven Kickboxer deals 3 damage to him or her. Mickey's Drunk Pact with the Wastes 1BBB (R) Enchant Player Drink a beer in under thirty seconds: Draw a card. During your upkeep, if all other players cannot understand you saying "Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers.", sacrifice Mickey's Drunk Pact with the Wastes. "Ohhh... I'll never, never, EVER do this again.... this week." COP:BO 1W (C) Enchantment 1: Wave COP:BO around in the air in front of you and say "Peww..." (This card should be Pine-Fresh Scented.) Urza's ChiaŽ Pet 1 (C) Artifact Creature [0/1] Tap three permanents you control: Put a +1/+1 counter on Urza's ChiaŽ Pet. Use this ability only during your upkeep and only once each turn. "The new ChiaŽ ClapperŽ!" Thallid Shooter 2 (U) Artifact Sacrifice a Thallid, (T): Thallid Shooter deals 1 damage to target player. 4, (T): Put a Thallid token into play. Treat this token as a 1/1 green creature. Play this ability as a sorcery. "It's amazing! It slices, it dices! It even picks up groceries!" Shoelace W (R) Interrupt Remove your shoes: Target spell is considered colourless, or target permanent is considered colourless. If Shoelace is cast targetting a permanent, it must be played as an instant. When Chihuahuas Attack 3BB (C) Instant Put six Chihuahua tokens into play. Treat these tokens as 2/1 black creatures that are unaffected by summoning sickness. At end of turn, sacrifice all Chihuahua tokens in play. "Rrrr...... Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!" Wall of Cookies 1WW (U) Summon Wall [0/1] (Duh!) When Wall of Cookies comes into play, set aside any number of cookies. For each cookie set aside in this way, put two +1/+1 counters on Wall of Cookies. Each time any of these cookies are eaten, remove two +1/+1 counters from Wall of Cookies. "O-R-E-Lawsuit!" Kobold Ninja 0 (C) Summon Kobold [0/1] Kobold Ninja is a black creature and Kobold Ninja is a black spell while it is being cast. 1B: Kobold Ninja gains +1/+0 until end of turn. BB: Kobold Ninja gains first strike until end of turn. 1BB: Kobold Ninja gains shadow until end of turn. 2BB: Return Kobold Ninja to owner's hand. Mucusaur 2GG (U) Summon Fungus [1/2] Pick your nose: Put a +1/+1 counter on Mucusaur at end of turn. Use this ability only once each turn. If you sneeze, Mucusaur gains +3/+3 and trample until end of turn. Kjeldoran Outhouse (R) Land Kjeldoran Outhouse does not untap during your untap phase. (T): Tap target Knight or Soldier. 3: Untap Kjeldoran Outhouse. Bear in the Woods 1G (U) Summon Bear [2/2] For each creature in play with casting cost of 1G, power and toughness both of 2 with a different name, Bear in the Woods gains +1/+1. Dental Thrull BB (C) Summon Thrull [1/2] B, Sacrifice Dental Thrull: Look at the top four cards of target player's library. Remove one of them from the game and put the rest on the bottom of his or her library in any order. "This won't hurt.... much." Flavatog 2BB (R) Summon Atog [1/2] Bust some funky phat-ass rhymes: Flavatog gains +2/+2 until end of turn. "It's hard to rock a rhyme! It's hard to rock a rhyme!" "No, no, it's TRICKY, it's tricky to rock a rhyme." -- Beavis and DMC Cereal Killer 3U (R) Summon Merfolk [2/2] Sing a cereal jingle, (T): Destroy target creature. Play this ability as a sorcery. So there you go, hope you liked 'em. ...dave