Subject: [HUMOR] Mad Dog Goes to Tourney Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 04:12:43 -0700 (PDT) From: Sean -Mad Dog- Roney To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Mad Dog Rant: Mad Dog Goes to Tourney By Sean "Mad Dog" Roney madcanine@yahoo.com It seems the Arena itself is gone for good. The pumpkin bomb fires spread and took the entire Ironman Arena. It looks like Ironman will have to be postponed for some time, at least until a new fighting ground is located. This time around though, I will give you a nice little story about a time I decided to go to a tournament. I live in this giant hole in the ground called the Salinas Valley. This place is so crappy the nearest tourney happens only weekly and takes place in a cheap little store 50 miles north. Bored from sorting my grand collection of Atogs, I decided I'd better do something more worthy of my skills, so I got in a car (I don't know who's, it was just there with the keys in it and I took it) and drove to the tourney. I got to the store with minutes to spare. The tourney would start soon so I got my bag of rainbow life beads (to confuse the poor fools) and my killer Jump/Icatian Skirmisher deck. As I walked into the large glass doorway I announced, "I just got here from 50 miles down south, and boy are my legs tired!" Strangely, nobody laughed. In fact, half of the people there flipped me off, while about three threw Fallen Empires and Wyvern packs at my head. The rest ignored me. I picked up the packs and shouted, "Whoa! Cool, Wyvern and Fallen! Thanks guys!" I opened the packs eagerly. "Great!" I shouted, "I got a Farrel's Mantel! This is so cool!" The scary thing was that I was serious. I got some really lame cards, like Hymn to Tourach and Aeolipile. However, these free cards were great when I got to the killer deck fodder like the Goblin Chirurgeons, Heroism, and even the dreaded Delif's Cone! As I looked at the power of these cards I almost wished they had thrown some Portal packs as well. Now THOSE are some power cards! I became distracted by the great cards I had just received, savoring the moment as I looked upon each card. "Last call for tournament entry!" shouted the store manager, also the tourney coordinator. I instantly stopped my happy opening of the packs and ran up to his glass counter. He laughed at the sight of me, and said between bursts of rumbling laughter, "So you're entering? I thought you just came around to piss us all off again. Very well, pay your entry fee." The entry was five dollars, but I liked money and thus would never give it away for nothing less than Portal cards. I could buy at least five Fallen Empires with that money. So, I tried to make a deal. I pulled a large stack of forty Atogs from various editions and handed it to him. "There," I said, "this should cover it." He gave me an evil stare, the same one he and the other people give me when I try to light the Beenie Babies shelf on fire. He picked up his baseball bat from behind the counter, the same one he uses to threaten me with every time I try to take a leak inside the store. I wasn't going to stand for this treatment, so I attempted another bargain. I took out my bag of life beads and began to pour the thousand tiny glass lumps onto the counter. "I paid six bucks for all these at the other store down the street," I stated, "They are on sale here for seven. I think they should be enough to cover the fee." He suddenly raised the baseball bat for a swing. I ducked just in time to avoid it. Evidently he was real mad at this point, so I paid my entry fee of five dollars... all in rusty pennies. I then put my deck up on the counter for inspection. Right before he took it I shouted, "Wait! I forgot to add these!" I instantly slammed the new wyvern and fallen cards onto the top of my deck, now making it 400 cards (beat that you millstone players!) The store manager laughed at me as I did so, and let me pass without even inspecting my deck. He said, "Mad Dog, if your punk @$$ deck manages to win some how, I'll give your entry fee back as a refund to let you buy some Overpower." I liked Overpower! I thought he was being nice. I didn't notice the evil snickering tone he had said it in. Now I was not only playing to win the prize box of Exodus boosters, but $5 worth of Overpower!!! The manager randomly assorted the players into matches for the first round. As I waited I began to prepare myself to intimidate my opponents. I decided that the best way to hurt a person's playing is to look psychologically oppressive. I was already wearing my really scary skull and crossbones baseball cap, but I needed something more. I took the booster wrappers from the fallen and wyvern and put them under my hat part way so that they all stuck out the sides of my head. MAN I LOOKED SCARY!!! Minutes passed as the manager called out the rounds. He left my pairing for last. "Dog versus, Xoq!" I turned to see my opponent approaching me. He was even freakier than I was. I took one look at his unwashed face and his shrubbery-like hair, and shouted to the manager, "I can't play against this hippie! He'll give my cards lice!!!" The manager lifted his baseball bat and said I better play or get the hell out. I made sure to scratch my head with my middle finger in his direction. I sat down at a crappy collapsible table across from Xoq. As we began shuffling I noticed that his hair hung down in his face and didn't allow him to see very well. While he shuffled I stacked my deck to put all the lands on top so I wouldn't get mana-screwed. We began the game... I lost! For some reason I never drew any of my Icatians! I had all the land I needed but no darned creatures! We shuffled again and I tried a new tactic. I put the spells on top to make sure I would draw at least ONE this time around. I lost again! What the **** is wrong with my deck! I got so angry I took all the Wyvern out and lit them on fire right there. I would have smoked them for good luck in following games, but since its illegal to smoke indoors in Salinas, I didn't. Some fool put out the fire with his soda, making half my deck all sticky. So, I went outside and lit them on fire. Now I had a tiny 100+ deck. I was sure to lose if he pulled out a millstone. Third game, I actually shuffle this time around, wondering how cursed this deck is. I get a good draw of Icatain Javelineers and Plains! I will win! Then the same jerk who put out my card fire comes up and says, "Hey, you two morons, this is a best two-out-of-three tourney. Dog, you lost!" Damn! His Scathe Zombie hordes killed me fast. Since both of the games were done within 5 minutes, we had to wait around for an hour until the round ended. I mostly just walked around the store looking at the Star Wars cards, trying to pass by the Jabba's Palace sets where the new Leia was as much as possible. After the first twenty minutes of that I got bored so I sat down and began to arrange my life beads for the next round. Right as I got done color-sorting them and arranging all 1000 of them into a massive happy face with a cat warrior body, the round finally ended. The manager took the wins records and began to sort out the next match. I got matched against a kid who preferred to call himself Crovax! (with the exclamation point). He had dried snots all over the lower half of his face, peanut butter on the middle, and chunks of strange green stuff in his hair. He looked like he had been rolling in dog crap for the last six days, and stunk the same. He grinned and yelled at me, "I lost last time, but my opponent had Tims. You, however will suffer the wrath of my KOBOLD DECK!!!" I looked at him strangely and told him to go across from the place where I had set up my life beads. He refused and said I had to sit in HIS area, which happened to be right next to the loudest two people in the store. We argued and decided to play paper scissors rock to settle our dispute. We both rocked. Next, we both scissored, then both rock, paper, paper, paper, scissors, rock, rock... We took up an hour and a half playing the darned game until finally I won by using scissors against his paper. We sat down, shuffled (and since he had a buzz-cut I couldn't stack my deck to win), and played. He begged and whined to go first, so I let him. I had drawn all blue, but had a Force of Will, so once I drew a land I would win. He put down a Mountain, and played a Raging Goblin. I couldn't have that, so I pitched a Counterspell and played the Force of Will. "Hah!" I shouted in the kid's face, "Crovax!, you loser! I shall kill you now with my Jump and Flying Men!" Suddenly, the manager called out, "TIME OVER! End the round!" "Damn it!" I shouted. Life totals decided the winner, so I lost....the game and the round. Since it was double elimination, I was out. I got so mad I began to pick up my life beads and throw them at Crovax!'s head. He retaliated by throwing Vangaurd Gift Set boxes at me! Of course, I had to give up the throwing war and accepted my loss. Having nothing left to do in the next round, I began to annoy the players. I came up to a Tradewind Rider player and said, "Here, I'll trade you this Atog for those three Traders. So, is it a deal? I know you're ripping me off but I like to help out people like you have better cards." He was a big redneck. He punched me in the groin and stole my Atog. Then he spit some of his "tabbakee" in my face. I went to another pairing. There was a girl actually playing. I walked up to here and declared, "Girls suck at Magic! You'll never win! I bet your daddy made that deck for you, didn't he?" She got a little mad and kicked my butt. I slapped her a few times but it didn't seem to do anything but make her angrier. Oddly, every time I slapped everyone watching laughed like crazy, even the little kids. After the fight I went to a weenie player going against a Direct Damage/Ensnaring Bridge deck. I picked up the weenie guy's deck and began to look at it. "Oh man," I said, "You're not drawing the Uktabi Porno Monkeys for a long time! You're never going to get rid of that bridge! Just give up!" Getting a very angry look from both players, I began to rearrange the deck. "Here weenie player, now you get the sick little primates next turn." They called over the manager, who brought his baseball bat. I was kicked out of the store. Sadly, the car I had come in was gone. I guess I left the key in it. Now I had to walk all the way home, or look for another car. Anyway, it was a crappy night. I would have been better off staying home and sorting my piles of green commons. THIS is the reason I don't go to tourneys! == +--------------------------------------------------------+ | "Yes, I was smoking rabbit poop when I wrote this." | +--------------------------------------------------------+ | www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Arena/7627/dominion.html | +--------------------------------------------------------+ _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com