Subject: The Finer Points (humor)
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 21:43:28 -0500 (CDT)
From: c722500@showme.missouri.edu
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com

"Shouldn't the flavor text of Empyrial Armor be 'Does this make me look
fat?'"

                                        -Jiggy Spice

These are the Finer Points, my first humor article that doesn't belong in
the Impulse Guide section. Although if I do get enough requests, I will
write "Impulse Like a Member of Meneudo". Weren't there like fifty of
those kids?

* PILE SHUFFLING *

Yeah, I'll tell you what it's a pile of....

I started pile shuffling after my friend at Georgia Tech showed my while I
was on my Spring Break. "It randomizes your deck so well." Cool. So now
how come every time I play a Tradewind Rider deck, all my lands just jump
to the top of my deck? What, do they want to say hi?

Maybe it's the number of piles that make the difference. My friend showed
me the ten pile method, which is pretty much what I use. I've seen seven
piles, five piles, three piles... and there's one guy who came up with the
brilliant idea of one pile. He's currently a manager at a local
Whataburger and he watches a lot of WWF.

Pile shuffling is a pretty tedious process too, which makes me want to do
it even less. Apparently, for it to be effective, you have to do it at
least three times. So I've spent fifteen minutes shuffling so I can draw
five mountains, one plains, and a Staunch Defenders. Woo-HAH.

So five words for pile shuffling: Thank God for Paris mulligan.

* DOLLAR STORE DECKLISTS *

You know, I'm not one of these people who copies decks off the Dojo, but I
do look over them from time to time. But I couldn't copy those decks if I
tried. I don't have the money.

My friend at Georgia Tech was telling me about his Recurring
Nightmare/Survival of the Fittest/Living Death deck, and how it smoked
every deck he played against. Well, it better... it costs more than the
Gross National Product of Namibia....

Maybe some of these decks are just made up so some kid will save his lunch
money for two years to buy the whole thing. I mean, really, I could write
that I made a 4 Mox Diamond, 4 Tradewind Rider, 4 Cursed Scroll, 4
Cataclysm, 4 Paladin En-Vec, 4 Equilibrium, 4 Oath of Druids, 4 Wrath of
God, 4 Armageddon, 4 Ovinomancer deck, took it to a tournament, went
4-0-1, and split in the finals with my friend playing SRB. And somebody
will actually have to deliberate whether they want to buy that deck or get
engaged.

So people, I ask you: start winning tournaments with cheap decks so
college students like me who student charge CDs can copy them. Oh yeah,
and Mom, thanks for the Cool For August CD.

* YOU'RE A BAD PERSON IF... *

I started this when I had to play against Necro decks constantly.
Basically it's a list of cards that if you play with them, you're a bad
person.

Drain Life: You are just a bad person.
Hypnotic Specter: You don't have a conscience, do you?
Hymn to Tourach: Your car is probably in a handicapped space right now.
Tradewind Rider: If you play with this, you don't love your mother.
Moat: So how are you related to Hitler?
Winter Orb: Wait, I play with this. Never mind.

* DENOUEMENT *

So those are the Finer Points. Now, I've got to go, I'm doing a GAP
commercial. Because khakis get jiggy.

Joe "Jiggy Spice" Grimes
BigSmooth on IRC