Subject: [HUMOR] Mad Dog Rant - Ironman Magic II Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 09:21:41 -0700 (PDT) From: Sean -Mad Dog- Roney To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Mad Dog Rant: Ironman Magic II - Reader Requests By Sean "Mad Dog" Roney madcanine@yahoo.com You ask for them, you got them! This week Mad Dog Rant brings you lucky readers matches you asked for. Out of the Polar-Kraken mountain of ideas I was sent, I've been able to contact the agents of ten cards who say their clients are willing to fight in the Ironman Magic arena. Because of major modifications to the Arena (we're adding audience seats, security Mon's Goblin Raiders, and even an automatic floor vacuum to clean up the messes), Ironman Magic won't be broadcast next week. But be sure to join me, Mad Dog, as I rant about something funny in the Magic world anyway. We are now adding main event fights to Ironman Magic. This week's main event will be SERRA ANGEL versus SENGIR VAMPIRE!!! Also, to make sure none of the working Brown Oupes are not kicked while they upgrade the stage, there will now be a new referee. Who better to stop nasty "accidents" before they happen, but the guy from Force of Will himself! We now bring you the fights... "Headless Horseman" VS "Grey Ogre" Every scrub has a story about their Dwarven Warriors/ Firebreathing/Gray Ogre deck that always lost. Or maybe us older players remember our crappy Dark Ritual/Unholy Strength/Headless Horseman decks. Any way you look back at these two, its always with anger. Face it, these two just suck! Now they have come to the arena to help as all figure out which one is "The Most Useless Card in Magic." PHASE 1: The ogre takes one look at the rider and grunts, "Ug! You not good eat! You have pumpkin head! Ug! You not on top of food chain! Me not eat you!" The dark horse of the rider gets angered, while the rotting face of its master glows with a happy smile and. PHASE 2: The ogre begins to walk to the edge of the arena, beginning to hunt down a solitary ouphe worker which is distracted by a rubix cube it just found. "Mmm," the ogre mutters, "Me want eat you. You smart being!" The ouphe doesn't know what hits it as the ogre picks up the entire little fuzz-ball and devours it in one bite. The rider looks for the supposed referee, which is nowhere in site. Discovering that there is a missing referee, the rider begins to pull out pumpkin bombs he stole from a couple of Marvel comic characters and rushes for the lazy goblin security officers. PHASE 3: The goblins get blasted worse than a scrub using a deck full of walls of wood against a sligh. The insane rider gallops about, merrily dropping pumpkin bombs in the laps of the security officers. Thinking they are donuts, the goblins begin to eat them, which only sets them off. We'll all have to say good bye to the new security force! Meanwhile, the ogre munches away at the stupid ouphes. Many of them had been working on a giant granite Atog statue, but now that the ogre is hungry its ripper apart the statue to get to the ouphes. Its going to take a lot of money to hire replacements for all these lost idiots! PHASE 4: The goblin security guards notice that the horseman is passing out new donuts and rush him for the snacks. The stupid fools bite the large canvas sack hanging from the saddle. And look, they're biting into the bag not waiting to grab the new donuts out of the bag first. The result of this stupidity...a very large explosion that takes out the entire southeast wing of the arena. As soon as the smoke clears it can be seen that all that remains of the horseman is a large orange stain on the ground from his head, and from the goblins a large red stain, all this combined with the great black scorch streaks. Hey, somebody call Drew Tucker, I think we may have found his missing Fifth Edition artwork for "Fireball." PHASE 5: It looks like the ogre may be the winner, but he has to get into the arena to claim victory. This thing just keeps getting hungrier and hungrier. As it chases a few more ouphes away from their confusing lego sets, a large goblin with a bloody dagger walks up and says, "Hey you, turd-monkey! You know where the butt-head is who's killin' my little bros?" The ogre pushes the goblin away and continues its path to food. This enrages the goblin who shouts, "Hey you ugly freak! Nobody messes with me, the Goblin Hero! You got kicked out of 5th ed because of me! Now I'm gonna kick you out of the game entirely!" The ogre ignores the goblin, which is its fatal mistake. The goblin hero pulls a Highlander movie clip-style attack and says "Crappie cards?...There can only be one!" Then the goblin slices the loser ogre's head off. Sadly, there is no quickening to blast this fool. WINNER: Um, I guess its the Goblin Hero I've just received word that the Force of Will dork has just been located seven miles west of the Ironman Arena. It appears that it had received a death threat from a lone Balduvian. According to the feedback I'm getting, the Balduvian was once part of a horde that got countered by the force of will and wants revenge for the death of its clan. Without the okay from their agents, the two are coming back to the arena to settle their dispute. They each got passage on the Weatherlight and should be here soon. We'll get back to the fights. "Mind Twist" wussie boy VS The hole-in-head guy from "Amnesia" Everyone knows just how wussie Mid Twist is. First of all, the artwork shows a guy that looks like he's being forced to watch another Hanson video, but there doesn't appear to be any television sets around. Secondly, only wusses would use such a horribly broken card (among other really wussie broken cards, such as the dreaded Portal Capricious Sorcerer). Amnesia is just stupid because it appears the fool just sat there as somebody put a shotgun to his head, as well as the fact that you may as well just shoot your deck with a shotgun if you have this card in it due to its lack of discard power. These two are fighting for the title of "Most Deranged Head-Messer-Upper." PHASE 1: I'm not sure what to tell you is going on. There is smoke blowing all over the place from the fire caused by the pumpkin bombs. Hole head can be seen walking onto the arena, but it looks like he's carrying something. There are times that the back of the wussie appears as well, but he seems to be moving too slowly, like he's moving something big while hunched over. PHASE 2: I'll just flick the switch on this arena-wide vacuum and... Great Mother of Bottle Gnomes! It appears that the hole head is carrying a shotgun, and the wuss is wielding a tv set like a giant flail! This looks like its going to be chaos! PHASE 3: The wuss charges the hole head with the wire of the tv in hand, slowly approaching since he seems to be too weak to pull it correctly. He looks like a perfect target for a shotgun. And look, the hole head is pointing the shotgun right at the wuss. "Now we'll see what this does to YOUR head!" "No!" shouts the wuss as he wets himself at the sight of the gun, "Please don't kill me! Please! Ohhhh! Mommy! I want my mommy!" The hole head smiles as he pumps the wuss full of pellets. But it doesn't appear to be doing anything! PHASE 4: The wuss gets right up from being knocked down by a point- blank blast. He rips the shotgun away and declares, "I am Mind Twist, you fool! Now I'll pull this here gun from your hand and make you lose quicker than you would to a channel/fireball combo!" The wuss proceeds to blow away the hole head, which just keeps filling with large holes, but doesn't fall. Wait a minute, it seems that the...the hole head has just been obliterated by his own gun. It seems that the wuss discovered that the vital organs of this guy were in his feet all along! PHASE 5: The wuss dances a victory dance but he suddenly turns his attention to the tv, which has gone away from the Hanson video to something else. "No!!!" shouts the wuss, "They're playing a Spice Girl video!" Suddenly the wuss bursts into a cloud of smoke at the sight of the Spice Girls. WINNER: ??? The "Time Walk" skeletons VS The "Time Warp" thing Extra turns are hard to come by. It seems that these time- traveling skeletons also happen to be good explosive experts, as seen by one of their appearances on Time Bomb. It is strange that they would want to fight their Type II cousin today rather than just blow them up with a long-waiting bomb. This would have been a three-way fight, but it appears that after slicing each other one last time, the guys from Final Fortune died. So, with these two being the last two kick-@$$ turn cards, they wish to eliminate each other to not only get large paychecks but for the title of "Cruelest Chronomancer of Dominia" as well. PHASE 1: The fighters all meet in the smoldering ruins of the east side of the arena. They all take honorable bows to one another before they mess with each other's time frames. They take extra caution to avoid the electrical fire caused by the unattended tv set. PHASE 2: The skeletons suddenly warp back in time, beating the thing to the punch because of their lower casting cost. They go right to the moment of the thing's birth, when a giant Black Mana Battery was about to drop it into the world, they took the infant thing and fed it to a hungry mogg. Looks like this battle is over well before it even began. Sorry folks. Their agents promised it wouldn't be this fast! WINNER: Time Walk's skeletons Well ladies and gentleman, it looks like the Weatherlight has just dropped off our two awaited fighters: the Balduvian and the Force of Will guy. Sadly though, a dozen kegs of Squee's nuclear waste-surprise soup fell off the port bow and landed in the arena, destroying all of the seats before they could be finished! Despite the ruination going on, the two fighters are ready to get right to their battle. A lone "Balduvian Horde" member VS "Force of Will's" guy No title, just a grudge match. We'll just say for the record that they're fighting for "Angriest Big-Haired Dude from Alliances." PHASE 1: "You can take my bros!" announces the horde member, "But you will never take, my freedom! Now die you lying English tyrant!" Directly afterwards, the horde man charges at full speed. The will guy retorts with, "You bloody fool! It looks like you didn't pay that much attention to Braveheart, otherwise you wouldn't be charging, but oh well." The will guy picks up a large aluminum support bar that was once part of the Atog statue before the ogre ripped it to shreds. He plants it into the ground and waits... PHASE 2: The horde man runs right into the pole, makes a weird sound, and then falls back. He stumbles a bit as he tries to get to his feet, but falls back again and looks like he won't get back up. The will guy laughs and says between hearty chuckles, "Looks like all it will take to you out now is a Remove Soul, which I'll do right now. As the horde man just lays on the ground with the giant bar stabbed into his chest, the will guy begins to mutter his preparations for the spell. Suddenly... PHASE 3: ...Bagpipe music begins to thunder into the arena from nowhere. A timpani roll can be heard that almost makes the will guy's ear drums nearly burst. The horde member suddenly get up with fully restored strength and demands, "I order you to cross these ruins and stand before me, then put your head between your legs and kiss your own arse." PHASE 4: The will guy doesn't hear the bad Braveheart line, but find itself preoccupied trying to stop the blaring music from making its head explode. PHASE 5: "You'll never pick on me or my kinsmen again you bloody British butcher!" shouts the horde man. Since he was standing right up to the will guy, the poor will guy was able to hear the words mixed with the bagpipes. "What is wrong with you!?" growls the will guy, "This isn't a movie! This is real life! Cheap lines aren't going to win this battle for you! The bagpipes, maybe, but not the lines!" The will guy remembers a spell that will work - Memory Lapse - and casts it into the air. Suddenly whatever forces are playing the bagpipes forget how to use their noise-makers and stop playing. "Now," declares the will guy, "I will kill you. Do you have any last words?" PHASE 6: The horde member takes a deep breath in as the will guy raises its hands in preparation for a full Counterspell. Immediately as the hands of the will guy go down with the spell, the horde member shouts with all the mustered strength from his whole body, "FREEDOM!!!" Suddenly the bagpipes and drums come back in musical (noise?) thunder four times as loud as before. The Scottish music (strangely played with Irish bagpipes) is too much for the will guy, which pitches himself to his own pitch effect, thereby making himself an illegal card play and "fizzling." WINNER: Braveheart...I mean, the Balduvian I guess we'll have to hire a new referee as well. This is really turning out to be a bad day for the arena. It won't take much more for this whole place to just come falling to the floor. Its a good thing we only have one battle left. That's right, the MAIN EVENT! With an angel in the arena it isn't likely that the arena will get fully destroyed in this one last battle. MAIN EVENT: "Serra Angel" VS "Sengir Vampire" What more can I say than, classic. These two are the all time classics from way back when Pearled Unicorn didn't look so crappy. Male Magic players the world over wish to see the Serra Angel naked for various reasons. All Magic players the world over wish to see Sengir Vampire's full body to see if this sucker really has wings to make him fly or not. These two are going to the death to prove with is "The Most Kick-@$$ 4/4 Flyer." PHASE 1: As the two step onto the remnants of the arena, sengir lets his big slobbery tongue hang out. "Oh how disgusting," says serra, remembering to cover her neck and keep her veins out of sight of the foul beast. They sit looking at each other. Serra takes out her sword and brandishes it a while, seeing if the sengir will be distracted more by her sword or by her bosom. Distracted by neither, sengir licks his teeth, making sure they are razor sharp and ready to go straight for blood. PHASE 2: "I'm wearing a push up bra," announces serra, but the vampire does not care in the least. "Ah screw it," growls the serra, and she charges forth with her sword ready to vanquish this evil foe. The sengir stands ready. The sword raises. The angel nears the vampire. The blow goes down... PHASE 3: The sengir catches the sword with his hand, bleeding lightly but he licks the new wounds a bit and it heals right back to normal. He then leaps upon serra and tries to take a bite from her neck. PHASE 4: Serra avoids the bite but gets torn up badly from the sengir claws. Her pretty white dress is in tatters and smeared with filth and grime. She suddenly notices her adversary waving to the sky, summoning forth the Sengir family! Baron, Granny, Irini, and that other one seems to have missed the bus because it isn't here! The serra angel smiles to the wonder of the vampire family. PHASE 5: The serra angel whistles to the sky, summoning forth the giant-sized new-art Ice Age serra angel. Now that an oversize card has entered the arena, there's no telling what will happen now. I can tell you this though, those vampires better have the oversized Chaos Orb or they're in for as much trouble as Mr. Magoo against a Pro Tour player! PHASE 6: The giant serra lands, all 300 feet tall of her, instantly crushing the baron under her feet as well as devastating the entire west section of the arena. She picks up Irini and throws that sengir right at the beginnings of the Ironman television broadcast needle, thereby ending all chances of Ironman ever making it to your tv set! The then picks up the basic vampire, laughs a bit, and then pitches the poor sap like a baseball right at...ME!!! WINNER: Serra Angels Well, I jumped out of my announcer's chair in time, but it looks like right behind my armored booth was the safe where all the Ironman Magic funding was kept in a safe. Now Ironman not only has no stage or workers, but no money to repair anything. It looks likes it'll be a long time before Ironman Magic will be back in business. The arena may never be repaired. We may have to hold the events inside the Sorrow's Path for crying out loud! In the mean time, I'll rant about other things in Magic, for a lot longer than expected, but keep those suggestions for fights coming. Maybe the costs won't be so high if I get the cards to fight against a few from the Wyvern and Sim City games. Or maybe, Portal cards can fight...they are realy cheap after all. _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com