Subject: Izzy Woo Goes to A Tournament [Humor] Date: Fri, 07 Aug 1998 01:10:30 PDT From: "Izzzzy Woo" To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com [Humor] (maybe) Hey Dudes! Izzy "Pizza & a Whole Lot More" Woo Reporting to you from down here in beautiful Humberg Alabama!. You can skip the pretourney stuff if you like but it has lots of interesting thoughts and metagame decisions... Pretourney Stuff- So I'm lieing in bed with Dizzy's (my best friend) Sister. I glance over at the clock. 3:45AM. Now this is funny because she has a dog (Skipper). Two years ago (before I knew Dizzy) I see this dog right? But by this dog is this silver penny. (back to that in a minute). So I ask the clown if he wants a corndog or not and he (of COURSE) says no! Since I was unexperienced back then I took this as a proverbial slap in the face if you will!! I guess I'm straying off the point a little here but what I was trying to get at is that on my 8th birthday instead of a cake and presents from my parents instead I recieved a can on chicken noodle soup and a bottle of bourbon. Daddy was a drinker! That brings me to antother story about my dear old dad. Well once when I was in my room practicing my harpzicord he comes in, completly naked with a bottle of whisky in his left hand and my neighbor grunthilda in his right. Two days later, I wake up in the hospital with a hicky on my elbow. So I says to him "No sir! I will NOT CLEAN YOUR DRIVEWAY!". So then I'm all on the floor right? And then, OUTTA NOWHERE HE SAYS "Can my brother Billy stay with you while I'm in Tibet??". I of COURSE say yes (even though last time billy came over he left wearing my underwear and me his if you know what I mean). When I was 28 I kissed my first girl, Farmer Brown's Purebread bordercross Colie (and BOY was she a looker!). Then Eugene showed me he had no restraints when it came to class as he CUT MY DECK!! That brings me to the verdict of the court trial (which I am appealing) for sexual harrassment when I allegedly "fondled Mike Long's Ass Cheeks" for those of you that can understand that kind of legal crap (and besides it was just a pinch!!!). Anyways, back to the silver nickle, I picked it up and I found out it wasn't actually silver, it was just a glint from the sun! Imagine my surprise and embarrasment after fighting off onlookers to stuff the damn thing in my pocket!! And that's why whenever we drive past McEver's field we always check to see if the cows are standing on top of the dungheap. On to the Report........ Oh yeah, here's the decklist Izzy Black Weenie 4 Lotus Petal (fast mana is essential) 4 Mox Diamond (see lotus Petal) 4 Dark Ritual (fast mana...) 4 Culling the Weak (second turn hatred) 4 Mana Vault (second turn hatred) 4 Blood Pet (Creature, Fast Mana) 4 Ornithoper (sac to Culling the weak) 4 Phyrexian Walker (helps block vs Sligh, + sac to cull) 3 Unholy Strength 1 Nightmare (blast from the past) 1 Hatred 1 Rogue Elephant (My "tech") 2 Caroll Atoll 20 Swamp (you need lotsa land to fuel hatred) 1 Island (for the atol) 1 Forest (The elephant) I've playtested this deck for months and I felt very confident when I stepped into the musky depths of the Cashew & Card Stop basement. Matt greeted me with a smile "Hey Iz, gonna play today? We got a real crowd". I glance around the store. Three little bratty kids play a three player game in the corner, Dizzy is talking to our local "name" players (Prudence R. Fumbwell, Hortence D. Fumbwell and Leland H. Fumbwell). Near the arcade machines some guys I've never seen are throwing a deck together. And over near the tables two seedy looking guys "talk tech". I didn't expect this kind of crowd but hand over Matt my sweaty five dollar bill nonetheless. I walk over to Dizzy and the guys to see what's up. "Hey guys, I just walked over to see what's up". Dizzy replied quickley that he had "a little something special" but the other three were tight lipped. Perhaps I was overconfident... Matt shouts out that the pairings are up. I dash over to see who I play... Aw just Billy the local scrub. Well at least I have one match. ***Round 1 - Billy, The Local Scrub (Chum.dek)*** Game 1- I look at my hand. enh not too bad, a thopter two rituals, a cull, a hatred and two swamps. I say it's fine then he says that he's ok too. I lay a swamp. Drop a thopter, go. He lays an island, go. I drop a swamp, attack, ritual ritual hatred for 20 on thoper take 20. He shrieks "What the hell is that??". I mutter something about a 20/2 Flying for 0 but he pays no mind and just packs up his cards all in a tizzy. Game 2- I check my hand, 1 Ornithoper, 1 Hatred, 1 Cull, 1 Phyrexian Walker, 1 Unholy strength, 2 Swamp. Not too bad I think as I decline to Paris. He on the other hand shrieking again and slaps he seven cards on to the top of his deck and grabs six cards. Again, A female shriek then a whine then a throw of cards and a reshuffle pick up again. This goes on a bit until he has 3 cards.. "what the hell! I can't believe it". He goes first, drops an island. I go first lay a swamp then drop a ritual unholy unholy unholy, walker. He whines again "oh what the hell is that!". On his turn he lays a city of brass then says go. I pick up, another dark ritual. Attack with both, he lets out a girlish giggle as he says "looky hahaha" then plays incinerate on my ornithoper "I killed! Now you only have two cards and a walker! hhaha! I mulliganed 3 times and I'm still going to wiN! Blah Blah Blah!". I calmly say I sac my thopeter to my cull in response and then cast a hatred for 19. His Jaw drops. He begins shouting "omigod! you fluke! I can't belive it!!! What the hell!!!!!". I smile while slowly waving Matt over. Matt grabs Billy from behind when he's not looking and holds him high in the air. Billy shrieks "whhat are you doing??". Matt brings him down hard onto his knee and Billy flops off with a spectacular "Crrrrack". Billy lies unconscious on the ground while the rest of us get a great laugh. With Matt around you never know what's gonna happen next. Match = 1-0 ***Round 2- Hortence D. Fumbwell , Licid Tech *** Hortence tells me unhappily that he had to eliminate his Teammate Ewald F. Fumbwell last round (it's single elim). Game 1- My deck cuts out on me and all I manage to draw are culls and rituals. Hortence has out (by turn 3) 2 Calming Licid, 1 Transmogryfying Licid, 2 Stinging Licid, 4 Quicking Licid, 1 Nuturing Licid, 3 Gliding Licid, 2 Dominating Licid and a Lab Rat token. Dizzy: So you lost... right? Me: No, I won. Dizzy:WOAH!!! GEEZ!! DUDE!! THAT'S AMAZING!! Holy Pikula! Me: dude, I'm just screwing with you, of course I lost. Dizzy: Me: Gotcha! (It kinda came out as "gituch" cuz my nose was bleeding) Game 2- I get a god draw and go turn 1 Blood pet, Sac it, Dark Ritual, BLood Pet, Blood Pet, Blood Pet, Sac a pet, Cull, sac a pet to cull, Mana Vault, tap them all, sac the last pet, Nightmare. (1/1) Needless to say he dies a timely death. Game 3- My Tech comes to play as a First turn Rogue Elephant with Carol Atoll and Phyrexian Walker backup comes to beat his ass. Whew, I am in a cold sweat. That was intense. ***Round 3- Jon Finkle (some 20 year old scrub from out of town) I sit down and smile to myself. An easy ride to the final 4. He sits down and asks me if I've heard of him. "umm.. I don't think so.." "PT NY? PT Chicago? Us Nationals?" "Not really... Maybe you've heard of me, Comicshop Octobre Tourney, Final 8, Comicshop Fallen Empires Solomen Draft 17th Place, Comicshop Winter Tournament 4th place.". At this point he quiets down a little. I don't like to brag but when jerks like this keep tootin' their own horn I feel an obligation. Game 1 - My hand's okay (thopter, Thopter, ritual, cull, cull, swamp,swamp). But his is AMAZING. He goes 11th turn Ophidian (BROKEN!!) backed up with a 19th turn counterspell and at 23rd turn Manowar my ornithoper. Sometimes you just CANNOT stop a draw like that. Game 2- He is manascrewed for about 12 or 18 turns (something like that) I win. Game 3- He is manascrewd and doesn't get a land all game. He openly weeps. Then he reaches a chubby finger into his crimson nose and starts pushing it around in there until at he gets a look of gratification on his face then drags his finger down and along with it a meaty booger drenched in snot. He eyes it for a bried moment then, in one swift motion bit it right off his finger! He chewed for a little while then picked up his cards and left. Before the Top 4 is announced me and my friends joke about how I lost points by beating that scrub... Top 4 1. Izzy "Pizza & a Whole Lot More" Woo 2. Dizzy "Spagetti & Quite a Bit Less" 3. Johnnathan Zimmerick 4. Ryan Humber Game 1 I play Ryan Humber. I glance around. He's nowhere to be seen! I tell Matt and he says that I get a game win then all of a sudden the bathroom door swings open with a swoosh. Ryan comes shooting out legs flying straight to the table stark naked. He yelps "I was in the bathroom waiiiiit". Matt of course tells him the rules and points to the sign above the entrance : "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Pants, No Service". Ryan sighs and shambles back to the bathroom to collect his "Osh B'Gosh" jeans. Game 2- He grumles about not needing the first game anyways. I play a swamp blood pet, ornithoper. He tells his friends that he calls those "HorniHoppers". They all guffaw and despite myself I begin laughing. I try not too but when someone says stuff like that I mean how can I help myself?! Anyways to make a short story shorter he concedes promptly when I play my walker while whining that "everybody's playing Sliiiiiiiigh". Diz manages to win a tight game. ***Finals!!!*** Dizzy Spagetti. I reach my hand out with a grin "draw?". He smacks my hand and sends me sprawling to the floor. "You're mine Izzy!! I know all about how you tried to copy my 'Baboons Buyback' deck!!" I responded smartly with "...uh...uhmm... nuh no!! Thuhh thuhh that's just a cuh cuh crazy rumor dizz!". We sit down and my throat whets in anticipation in the blood about to be shed in this matchup of champions. The winner comes home with $8.50. The loser goes home with nothing except a "maybe next time" and a handshake. So we play the ultimate game of ante. I shuffle my deck and begin shuffling his. Boyyy am I glad I got to read his tourney report before I wrote this. "...Izzy showed me he had no restraint when It came to class as he said that he hoped I would die and that my mother was a whore and my deck was crappy and that my sister was a good **** and that he hoped I broke my collar bone". Let me just say for the record - I *NEVER* made that crack about him having a crappy deck!!! Game 1- I draw all lands and walkers. I play a 4th turn Orinithopter and never look back (easy win) Game 2- He gets a second turn mogg fanatic and rides it to victory. Game 3- His deck comes out to play when he busts out turn 1 Jackal Pup, Turn 2 Jackal Pup, Jackal Pup, Turn 3 Ball Lightning, Fireblast. He, however is having a lot of difficulty finishing me off for that last two damage as I begin to recupirate. Play an ornithoper, blood pet, mana vault, go. He untaps, plays a land, drops two raging goblings, attack with all. Beads of sweat roll down my forhead. This is it. The final showdown. I take a culling the weak from my hand. Throw it with cat-like prowess... It glides smoothly into his lap. I wave my hand "JUUUUDGE" "JUUUUDGE". Dizzy looks around "what? What??" I say "I saw him storing his culling the weaks in his lap!!". Jon Finkel chips in from the sidelines that Mike Long does this all the time. Matt stands up straight and says "Diiiiiiiissssquallifed!!! WE'LL HAVE NO CHEATING IN MY STORE!!". Dizzy screams in anquish. I gleem in victory. It was a hard fought battle, but I proved myself worthy. Dizzy goes home crying, for he knows when daddy hears it'll be a spanking then straight to bed. But what about me you ask? Well I use my $8.50 to buy "Fuzzy Bunnies: The Inaugural Issue: Volume 2: Two Monkeys with One Stone". I go home and soak in the tub, satisfied after yet another strong finish. BUT NO TOURNEY REPORT'S COMPLETE WITHOUT... PROPZ & $LOPZ Propz Dizztrina - Keep on shaking that ass. Matt - For stamping out cheating Me- Probly the best magic player ever. Hanson - You are some pretty cool dudes! I have all your albums! Ryan Humber - I like your style! Slopz- Dizzy - FOR CHEATING. Not only that lap thing but trying to wrath when I had a Black Knight out. It's people like you that ruin this game! Izzy Woo Izzy_W@hotmail.com www.BoysonBoys.com :D ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com