Subject: [HUMOR] Mad Canine's Expert Tactics Date: Mon, 3 Aug 1998 07:09:38 -0700 (PDT) From: Sean Roney To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Mad Canine's Expert Tactics By Sean "Mad Dog" Roney madcanine@yahoo.com Hello everyone. I'm writing today to give all you supposed power players a few lessons on how to totally win at Magic: the Gathering! With my expert tactics, you will never lose a match! Of course, if you meet another person that has read my tactics then obviously one of you will lose so ignore that previous sentence. Okay, since the whole previous paragraph is false, just read this to find out how not to suck at Magic as bad as I do. Also find out about some obscure rulings that WotC just made up to stop all our killer decks. -NEW RULE 1: You can't have a deck of 5 cards. -TACTIC 1: This really bites because in the old days I used to win every game I played with a Portal deck having only 4xLava Axe and 1xMountain. I would win as long as I went first. Since 5 cards are illegal, make a 6 card deck. -NEW RULE 2: You can't use Portal land for infinite mana. -TACTIC 2: I hate this rule. There's no tap symbol! There's nothing saying ONE on it anywhere! It just shows a giant, stupid mana symbol! That looks like at least twenty the size of those little mana symbols that the other lands would add--so I want at least 20 mana! This is the other thing that screwed up the Portal deck listed above. I guess we're all going to have to use a lot of land in our decks now -- ate least a whopping three mana! -NEW RULE 3: You MUST draw seven cards at the beginning of the game unless playing with Vanguard. -TACTIC 3: Ignore Tactic 1! Now You need a seven card deck! These rules people at WotC are insane! Now we can't even make a decent deck out of a Portal booster pack! Its like they are silently forcing us to have to buy more booster packs to be able to have good decks! -NEW RULE 4: You cannot shuffle Vanguard cards into your deck. -TACTIC 4: Damn Wizards of the Coast and their crazy new rules! At least we can all use those giant Black Lotus cards! -NEW RULE 5: Star Trek Warp Packs are not allowed in your Magic: the Gathering decks. -TACTIC 5: Noooooooo!!! I can't use my Scotty card in my weenie deck!!! No more 24 colorless mana from the Neutral Outpost!!! None of us can use Yellow Alert to give our creatures +1/+1!!! -NEW RULE 6: You can't use photocopy cards in a Magic deck. -TACTIC 6: For some reason people get real ticked off when you pull out a photocopied Lava Axe and kill them with it. Now this rule is absolute proof that WotC wants us to by more than one booster pack of their game! My tactic to solve this: steal booster packs...Um, I mean BORROW booster packs. Um, oh, that's illegal too. Then photocopy your cards still but steal some crayons to color them in and make them look real! -NEW RULE 7: It is not okay to look through your deck in the middle of a game. -TACTIC 7: Now you actually have to rely on luck to get the card you need. I think this rule had been around for a while because people have always gotten angry with me for searching my deck for Demonic Tutor. They used to accuse me of cheating! Can you imagine the shock of being accused of cheating just for getting a card you need or to put the deck in the order you need it!? I've heard that this rule "phases out" for every Pro Tour, isn't that nice. -NEW RULE 8: Its just good strategy to metagame. -TACTIC 8: You never know what type of deck you'll play next. So, with these bigger decks WotC wants you to make, it is now safe to put at least one of each of the seven Circles of Protection and be protected from any threat! -NEW RULE 9: Impulse does not allow you to draw all four cards. -TACTIC 9: Huh? NOW this card really does suck! Or wait a minute...you still get one card. I've heard that this rule also "phases out" during every Pro Tour. Okay, that's it. Tactics are over for today. Now go out there and win some games, my students! I will continue to bring all of you the important updates as they occur. So stay tuned for more rules updates and tactics to overcome them! _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com