Subject: The Scrub Tour-A feeble attempt at humor. Date: Sat, 01 Aug 1998 15:18:31 -0400 From: warhorse To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Thanks for joining us here in Siberia, ladies and gentlemen, as we bring to you the first ever Scrub Tour Finals. It took some time to register those 100+ card decks, but both players are ready to start. The contest begins as the contestants shuffle their decks.....and...unfortunately, spill their cards across the floor. This should take some time to sort out, so lets take a moment to recap the events that lead to this unusual tournament. It all started when the Association for Equality In Opportunity Unlimited(A.E.I.O.U.) stormed a PTQ and took a Beta Serra Angel hostage, immediately, the entire male attendance(99% of the present) asked for their demands. A.E.I.O.U. angrily told of how the "Magic challenged" could not do well at a PTQ and demanded a separate contest for the "lesser individuals." The DCI decided that the only way to get poor Serra freed was to give in. They decided that the last place finisher at each PTQ was invited to a special tournament. With the "victory of the ages", A.E.I.O.U. released the now only Near Mint Serra Angel. And for the curious, the invitees to the Scrub Tour were awarded a black bordered lace of their choice. Alright, the decks have been sorted and both players have drawn their hands. The Scrub on your left is known as Bob, whereas the Scrub on your right is known simply as the letter T. As Bob looks at his hand, he slouches in his seat. It must be a bad one. He declares a London Mulligan. A Judge corrects him by telling him that it is a Paris Mulligan. T, on the other hand, looks elated. Now lets remember that T's whole deck is built around playing his entire hand on the 1st turn, as to thwart those Black Vises that he says are everywhere. Bob is still shuffling, so he lets T go first. T grins maniacally as he lays a Swamp and removes 2 Elvish Spirit guides from the game and plays a Headless Horseman. Wait! He's not done! He plays 2 Lotus Petals and casts Final Fortune!! He has emptied his entire hand!! He says he's done, untaps, and draws. He attacks for 2, and lays an Urza's Bauble. He says he's done...and realizes he has lost game 1. We'll be right back after this.. Welcome back for game 2 of the Scrub Tour, and Bob will go first this time. He lays an Elephant Graveyard(The back is in mint condition, but the picture has been scraped off. The judges decided that it is not marked) and casts Cursed Scroll. T looks as if he’s going to concede, but decides to read the card. He sits back and shrugs. I guess even a scrub realizes that the Scroll sucks. T untaps and plays a Swamp and an Ornithopter. I guess he isn’t emptying his hand this time as he says he’s done. Bob untaps and draws. He lays a Swamp and plays Dark Ritual. he taps the Elephant Graveyard and lays Ice Cauldron! Judges are scrambling everywhere to figure out what that thing actually does!! The match has to continue, though, so lets move on. T untaps and draws. He too plays a Swamp and casts Dark Ritual. He taps the other Swamp and plays Lich. Truly a rookie move. Bob untaps and draws. He smiles because it is a Disenchant! All he needs is a White mana, and the game is over. T plays a Tundra, and plays Political Trickery! He doesn’t know Bob has a Disenchant, so if he switches his Tundra for one of Bob’s lands, he loses! T is thinking out loud now. Let’s listen in. “OK. I want the Elephant Graveyard so if I draw my Wooly Mammoths and a Snow-Covered land, he’ll be dead. “I’m a nice guy,” says T, “I’m going to let YOU pick which land I give you, as long as I get the Elephant Graveyard.” “Big mistake,” replies Bob as he takes the Tundra and Disenchants the Lich. T sinks down in despair as he realizes he has lost the best of 3 tournament. He mumbles something about cheating, top decking, and the sun impairing his view, but he packs up and leaves without another word. As T lay in his room back home thinking of all the mistakes he made, he realizes that he did get one thing: the Scraped-on-the-Road conditioned Elephant Graveyard that Bob forgot to take back!! T jumped out of bed and grabbed his deck. His heart pounding, he puts his “prize” in a hard case and then on the mantle above the blazing fireplace. So despite his embarrassing loss at the first ever Scrub Tour, not all was lost, for T knew that with the Elephant Graveyard, he could finally make a good deck. “Next year,” he vowed, “Next year.” By Terrence Wong A.K.A "T" Special thanks to Bob A.K.A Phunatik --"When Type One becomes big again, we will buy a state with our Dual Lands!!! Maybe even a small country..." --Members of Team 47 Warhorses