Subject: [HUMOR] Mad Canine Rant - Ironman Magic Date: Fri, 31 Jul 1998 18:00:04 -0700 (PDT) From: The Mad Dog To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Mad Canine Rant: Ironman Magic I - Type I versus Type II By Sean "Mad Dog" Roney Contact at: madcanine@yahoo.com Everyone loves it when two or more things go fighting one another to the death for a goal or title. If this weren't the case, Celebrity Deathmatch would never exist, or wrestling, video games, role playing games, Tellie Tubbies, Mr. Bill...or even WotC's Magic! Following in the spirit of all those mortal combats out there, I've decided to begin these Ironman Magic Matches. This time around, all those weaker type 2 cards are going to go at it hand to hand with the classic type 1 golden oldies. To make things more interesting, they're all going for special Ironman titles. May the best cards rip the others to Atog chow! If you have any ideas for matches, please e-mail them to me and I'll see if I can contact the agents of those cards and what titles they would like to fight for. The old dude from "Impulse" VS. The "Demonic Tutor" Everyone knows what these two guys look like, and just how ugly the two of them are. Everyone also knows just how ugly they can be for your opponent. Because of this, these two ancient leather-heads are going to-the-death style to prove once and for all who is the "Ugliest Futher Mucker Out Of the Library-to-Hand Manipulation Department." PHASE 1: Arming himself with some of those elephant tusks or scrolls or whatever they are, the old dude lets out a wheezing war cry before collapsing into a fit of emphezimic coughs. The tutor just smiles and waits with his big book in hand. PHASE 2: Recovering, the old dude threatens the tutor with the well of "I was a Kjeldoran Soldier Token once! So, you better watch out mister horn-head." The tutor does not budge, still smiling at the pathetic loser. PHASE 3: The dude shouts, "That's it you whipper snapper!" and begins to charge the tutor. The tutor, not alarmed, begins to walk around aimlessly, which gets the pursuing old dude to quickly run out of breath. PHASE 4: The old dude stops and doubled over, trying to get his wind back. Between exhausted breaths he says, "I'm faster than you any day! I'm the instant here!" Annoyed by the old dude, the tutor comes over and slams him in the back of the head with his book, putting the freak out of his misery. WINNER: Demonic Tutor The dragons on "Thunderbolt" and "Volcanic Geyser" VS. The would-be warriors on "Pyroclasm" There are a lot of foolish creatures in Dominia that end up as cannon fodder one way or another (make that fire/lava/heat/etc fodder). Some stupid victims just have to take it a little harder than the rest of these devoted targets. Because of this the two victimized dragons from two of red's most popular direct damage spells are competing against those unfortunate pyroclasm adventures for the title of "Most Sorry Excuse for Cannon Fodder." PHASE 1: The thunderbolt dragon gets up a little bruised from its encounter with a stronger than average version of Lightning Bolt (After all, dragons usually have a higher toughness than 4). The volcanic geyser dragon coughs up some blood and falls limp onto the edge of the crater that just blasted it to bits. The pyroclasm guys taunt the dragons and the giant fiery head approaching them for not having done any damage yet. PHASE 2: The thunderbolt dragon swoops up into the air and prepares to dive bomb these little pests. The geyser dragon finally realizes that it has been ripped in half and now falls dead. The little guys shout, "Hey bozo, it looks like your friend their just bit the just! Mind if we just sit here and wait for you to die?" PHASE 3: The remaining dragon notices that the great fiery head is near the men and just waits. The men continue their taunting. "Hey dragon, I heard an Ouphe kicked your mamma's butt last night!" PHASE 4: Pyroclasm's fire envelopes the men. The last thing they are heard saying is "Where's a Bubble Matrix when you need one!?" The dragon flies away, avoiding the slow pyroclasm. WINNER: Thunderbolt's dragon The Weatherlight extra from "Shock" VS. The blown-up guy from "Guerrilla Tactics" It seems that the dragon forgot that pyroclasm eventually catches up with all the creatures, even the flying ones. Now that all the contenders for "Most Sorry Excuse for Cannon Fodder" are dead, Wizards of the Coast has put two more contenders into the ring against their will. PHASE 1: Noticing that he has no armor or weapons compared to his guerrilla counterpart, the extra tries to impress his opponent to distract him. "Hey there," the extra greets, "I've seen Hanna naked. I can tell you all the details if you put down your sword." "No deal," responds the guerrilla, "I've been in a cheater's hand and have seen four Serra Angels and two Benalish Heroes naked." PHASE 2: "Really, Benalish Hero!?" exclaims the impressed extra, not knowing his own tactics are being used against him, "Can you tell me about it!?" "Sure," replies the guerrilla, just walk over to that rock I was just working on-- I mean looking at. You'll need a good seat because this is a GREAT story." PHASE 3: The extra eagerly sits on the rock, not knowing it was rigged with explosives. As the charred chunks of the extra fly all over the place, the guerrilla smugly mutters, "What a dork." WINNER: Guerrilla Tactics guy The moggs on "Sudden Impact" VS. The "Black Vise" stuffy doll There's nothing Magic players fear more than getting zapped for having a full hand. There's also nothing stranger to them than seeing wacky background gags used time and time again, like a raggedy old doll who manages to get its @$$ kicked in nearly every card its in, or a group of moggs that kick their own @$$es in nearly every card they're in. These two mystery things have decided to settle once and for all which is the "Most Annoying Recurring Wuss." PHASE 1: The moggs laugh at Gerrard falling off the Weatherlight while the shots from the Predator cause explosions all around them. The stuffy doll sits about like the wuss it is and whines like a baby in fear of somebody turning the crank on the vise. PHASE 2: One mogg survives the blasts and walks over to the vise. Seeing a crank to turn, the mogg begins to take its easy victory. PHASE 3: The doll cries for its mommy, but to its avail no Voodoo Doll shows up. The spikes on the vise rip its stuffed little butt to shreds. The mogg continues to turn the crank. PHASE 4: The mogg is disturbed by the sudden outrage of laugher coming from the doll. Asked what is so funny, the doll answers, "Now you'll be the one in that Sixth Edition Wall of Wonder." PHASE 5: The mogg instantly stops turning the crank, but its too late, the doll is as lost as a basic land in a type 1 deck. WINNER: The mogg The "Agonizing Memories" ghosts VS. The "Hymn to Tourach" wolf spirit head Discard is feared almost as much as a whiny doll, maybe more by some players. Anyone who has ever used the Agonizing Memories has just that, agonizing memories about their regular losses because they relied on that card. Anyone who has ever used the hymns knows that they eat away at the opponent's hand like a hungry wolf. Its only understandable that the misunderstood memory ghosts would have a grudge with the wolf head. To settle things for all Pro Tour players out there, these two cards have agreed to fight to prove which is "The Best Discard Card in the World." PHASE 1: The ghosts leave the guy at the ancient urinal alone to do his business. They turn their attention to the wolf, which is also doing its business on the side of a very unhappy Redwood Treefolk. PHASE 2: After finishing, the wolf makes sure to take time sniffing its own waste to make sure it needs to know whatever dogs need to know about their own stuff. The ghosts begin to scan its mind for memories only to find that its most agonizing thought is having to make a leak in Mirri's kitty tray. PHASE 3: Knowing nothing else to do, the ghosts begin constructing a kitty litter tray. The wolf begins to chase its tail, seeming more and more like a dog by the minute. PHASE 4: The ghosts paint the word "Mirri" on the side of the box and set it next to a tree the wolf hasn't urinated on yet. The wolf scratches for fleas. PHASE 5: The ghosts wait for hours while the wolf licks itself. They give up and run away in search of another plan. The wolf notices moving objects running away from it and suddenly attacks. The ghosts are soon digested and left in new form next to a Wood Elemental. WINNER: Tourach's Wolf The Mirage "Pacifism"...thing VS. The Unlimited Edition "Swords to Plowshares" guy Creatures get painful, and White players have always had odd ways of getting rid of them other than to the graveyard. The thing from Pacifism wanted to run for president and take over the DCI, but didn't have the guts for it. Instead, it has decided to take on the man from Swords to Plowshares to find out who is the "Most Peaceful Destroyer of Creatures." PHASE 1: Since the thing doesn't want to fight for itself, it ordered the deer to stop licking its um, its...well it ordered them to stop licking that area and attack the farming plowshare man. It also ordered the rat on its shoulder to do act as their back up. Meanwhile, the plowshare guy toils away at preparing food for the masters of the castle behind him. PHASE 2: Seeing approaching animals, the plowshare guy thinks only one thing, "Mmm, the master will love some fresh hamburgers." The pacifist thing watches in helpless horror as its animal friends are slaughtered and barbecued before its very eyes. PHASE 3: Angry as he can possibly be, the thing throws a string of flowers at the guy's head, hoping to do some damage. A few barons and knights come from the castle to try the new dish named "Plowshare Guy's Chili Sauce Rodent and Deer Burger." PHASE 4: The pacifist begins to talk to the guy, hoping to spread his enchanting powers over to the farmer. The farmer smugly says, "Harvesting isn't an attack." Soon afterwards, the guy lifts his scythe and takes a chop at the thing, also slicing at the wheat behind it with the same blow. WINNER: Plowshare farmer guy == +-------------------------------------------------------------+ | The 187 DOMINION, located at: | |http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Arena/7627/dominion.html| | | +-------------------------------------------------------------+ _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com