Subject: Humor: WOTC and WWF
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 16:13:49 +0000
From: Carl Wilt <carlwilt@top.net>
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com

Frank --
    A lot has been written lately about the incident at Nationals and
the pathetic excuse for
punishment.  Also, several comments have been made concerning the lack
of appropriate
action on the parts of WOTC and the DCI for allowing this trend to
continue.  Everybody
wants to know why.  Well, thanx to the Freedom of Information Act,
previously unavailable
documents have recently come into my possesion revealing hidden secrets
about WOTC and
the DCI.
    Unknown until now, it has been dicovered that Richard Garfield was
previously a major investor in
the now fledgling WWF.  After the NWA started stealing all the stars
away from the WWF, Richard
and a few of his closest friends invented Magic.  Secret documents
reveal some of the actions allow-
able and non-punishable under the "unwritten" DCI rules.  In order to
illuminate all M:tG players,
these rules follow:
    1.)  No puishment will be enforced to you if, during your match, one
of the members of your team
            sneaks up behind your opponent with a metal folding chair
and whacks him on the back of his
            skull.  If this "unseen" action causes your opponent to lose
conscienceness, he will be given
            a match loss for obvious stalling tactics and unsportmanlike
conduct.
    2.)  It is perfectly legal to choke your opponent as long as you
stop by the time the judge reaches
            a 4 count.
    3.)  No penalty will be assessed if you stand on the table and dive
head first into your opponet
            delivering a forearm shiver to his/her head, as long as you
are able to return to your seat by
            the time the judge reaches a 10 count.  Your opponent,
however, will be DQ'ed if for any
            reason they are unable to return to their seats at the end
of their own 10 count.
    4.)  If at anytime, you disagree with a judges ruling against you,
in Karl Malone-like fashion, it
            is perfectly legal to perform the Diamon Cutter on said
judge.
    5.)  Iron bars are legal to hit your opponent with under the
following conditions;
                a.)  The judge is looking the other way,
                b.)  The bar can be concealed on your person and not
visible to said judge upon initial
                    inspection.
                c.)  The blow must render your opponent completely
incapacitated.
    6.)  If at anytime, you find your opponent in a superior position,
it is legal and expected that
            members of your team come rushing to your aid with crow
bars, metal chairs, bats, clubs,
            and/or lead pipes.

    As stated before, all of these actions are considered legal and do
not constitute making a mockery
of the game we all know and love.  It's just a damn shame more of us
didn't consider asking the DCI
about these and other alleged "cheating" actions as Mr. Long has.
    Just a word of warning, though.  Now that I'm aware of these rules,
I'll be in Lincoln, NE on
Saturday for the Chicago PTQ.  I've been working out, taking my roids,
and I'll have a whole posse
of beefy teammates with me.  Take me on at your own risk.

Later -- Carl