Subject: [ISSUE] Cheating: A Chumly's View Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 15:29:13 -0400 From: "James P Maher Jr." To: [Issue] Cheating: A Chumly’s View “I wish you weren’t a liar…” would have been my response to Mike Long if I were judging the 12 round of U.S. Nationals. Then he would have gotten a swift kick in the cack for angering me. My name is Jim Maher. I am a chumly. I have never qualified for a Professional Tournament by playing magical cards. I probably never will; however, if I ever have to play anyone with the last name Long, Leiher, Schneider, or Gordon at one of these events, I will DDT that individual through the table we would happen to be playing on. Of course, that would be kind of harsh. These individuals have had accusations hurled at them, calling them cheaters and such. I have only ever seen Pete Leiher in real life, and then, he was playing T1 at an event in Edison NJ. He seemed like a real cack then, though I did not witness him play. I was too disgusted with the way he acted that I quickly went to try to hang out with other chumlys. It’s just the way I am. I would also try the urine-dumping plan, as Bzzatch from the IRC told to that guy from the Crew. Heh. Anyway, back to the point, Michael Long. We’ve all heard the stories about how he cheats (plow your guy with a swamp, etc.). Of course, since there is no definitive definition of cheating in the rules, I would support the implementing of this definition: Cheating: using any means to try to gain an unfair advantage over your opponent in a match or another competitor in a tournament. So, Mike Long, just by sitting/crouching/standing on his chair, would be cheating. It would be that simple. My plan for him: the Bachmann approach: I’ll shadily sneak up behind this character and when he’s standing on his chair, I’ll just pull it out from under him, rendering him unconscious. Of course, nothing would happen to me, because I’d blame oompah. Part II Mike Long isn’t stupid. No people that regularly succeed in what they do are. Most people would say that Greg Maddux is the best pitcher in baseball. Just look at him. He looks like he would get swirlies in the locker room if he didn’t get paid $9082743248 a year by Ted Turner. Serial killers are also pretty smart. Example: Kevin Spacey in ‘Seven.’ He was smart, cold, and calculating. Of course, he died, but that’s not the point. Mike Long wasn’t trying to go 12-0 in U.S. Nationals. He was trying to see how far he could bend the rules without getting DQ’d. Besides, what does and undefeated record get you, anyway? Not much, not the $20,000 that Long actually got, not the continuing Pro Tour presence that players like Long and Leiher will always have. Anyway, in closing, I have a plan. After reading Hammer’s article and the thing about Long, I have come up with the following: 1. We find Mike Long’s phone # and continually harass him until he cracks. 2. I find Justin Schneider and give him a suplex and put him in the figure-four leglock. 3. Somebody should shave Pete Leiher’s head, because, last time I saw him, he reminded me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Jim Maher Jimihat on the IRC Random chumly :[ PS- all of the random dojo readers that actually read this stuff should know that Brian J. Hacker’s article is called sarcasm. He’s probably the coolest blue-haired person in the world that hates everything that Mike Long stands for.