Subject: How to Cheat Date: Mon, 18 May 1998 18:24:28 -0400 From: "Walter R. Huber" Organization: Miami University To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com For your consideration: All know that people in glass houses should not throw stones. However, the discussion on cheating the Dojo has been kind enough to host has largely degenerated into a rock throwing contest by people who think before they act. Mindless insults, claims of moral superiority, and the inevitable we all do it are poor substitutes for enlightened dialogue. Solutions? Aside from a few notable examples the prevailing view seems to be we dont need no stinking solutions. Cheating is bad, morally repugnant, and socially unacceptable. However virtually all who have written thus far either directly advocate it (a minority) or condone it indirectly (this is seen most often in the posts bemoaning the lack of ethics of those who advocate cheating). Failure to know the rules is cheating. Constructing a thirty-five card deck is cheating regardless of whether you knew you could or not. A lack of prior knowledge as to the rules does not excuse starting at 50 life. (see previous post Cheating the Fault of the Honest for an extended discussion of this point) Nates examples are all cheating and all who write to bemoan that they happen at all are correct in pointing out the obvious. However the majority have failed to see that in his first three examples (where person A took advantage of person Bs lack of knowledge) the clueless player was also cheating. Those who would take the high road (I am guilty of this) need to recognize that playing someone who is CLUELESS imposes additional burdens on you. If you need to spend time explaining the basic play rules to your opponent, you will have less time to concentrate on your game and will decrease the chance you will play without errors. Given that the current opinion on the subject holds my position as inaccurate I would offer the following as a ethically pure system of cheating. Follow any one of the following strategies to victory. Please do not do it when you are playing me though. I still regard it as cheating, but since so many disagree with me, the odds are you will play someone who wont care. Strategy One: Selective Ignorance Employ selective ignorance. Only learn the rules that affect cards you use in your deck. For example, those playing white weenie shouldnt learn what gloom does. If your opponent plays it, spend two (one white, one colorless) to disenchant it. When opponent tells you that five manna is required because of glooms effect, apologize and do it again next turn. Make them waste all their concentration on instructing you and not on their own game play. Dont worry. Its ethical so long as you honestly do not know and cannot be bothered to learn. Strategy Two: Eager Learner Be an eager learner. Ask questions . . . lots of questions. Spend at least thirty seconds reading every card they play including basic land. If your creatures are pro-white and they Wrath of God, ask them to explain why your creatures die. Yes I understand the spell is not targeted but its white isnt it? By the way, dont you need some special land that produces colorless manna to cast that howling mine? Dont worry about stalling. Remember, its not your fault you do not know the rules. It is the responsibility of your opponent to teach you. Strategy Three: Total Ignorance Dont read any rules . . . ever. Fail to pay upkeep. Use sorceries during your opponents turn. Ignore the effects of a Winter Orb. Pay no attention to what they play. Attack at least three times per turn and one on their turn (preferably with your Howling Mine or Wall of Brambles. So long as your stupidity is earnest, the crowds will root for you like a new-age Forrest Gump and the endorsements will flow like the manna you get when you play your Dark Ritual as a permanent. Strategy Four: Screw Yourself and Win If you are unfortunate enough to already know the rules in this climate that believes it is better to be clueless than bloodthirsty you can still benefit. Purposefully screw yourself. Keep close track of your life and accidentally knock over your dice when you are at nine life. When you pick it up, apologize (it never hurts to be nice) and say I was at six . . . right? If you are lucky your opponent will have been foolish enough to be paying attention to their own game and not be sure. They may respond Sure. Stand up on your chair and scream for a judge. Continue to scream at the top of your lungs that you caught them cheating red-handed. Demand a public flogging on the spot. If denied, mumble about the low state of ethics in magic today. OR>>>>>>>>>>>> We could all admit that not knowing the rules is also a form of cheating as it creates a situation where the clueless can concentrate on their games and the more experienced player cannot devote their full energy to play since they have to spend time instructing their opponent. Nah . . . lets just blame Nate instead. Its soooooo much more ethical. Feedback encouraged. Walter R. Huber