Subject: The Finer Points (humor)
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 01:30:55 -0600 (CST)
From: c722500@showme.missouri.edu
To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com

The Monica Lewinsky scandal. John Glenn's return to outer space. The solo
careers of the New Kids on the Block. None of these things will be
discussed in this edition of the Finer Points.

* CONFESSION *

It has come to my attention that I have, too, committed the sin of
misspelling Randy Buehler's last name. My bad.

By the way, it's Joe, not Joey.

* IF I WERE GOING TO PRO TOUR: ROME *

So let's just say I got an e-mail from the DCI saying that I got an invite
to PT Rome because I have a nice ass. And let's say that I gave plasma
enough times to actually afford the trip. How would I make this tournament
special?

1. SHOW UP DAY 1 IN A SUIT. Show all the fine Italian ladies what's up.
Accentuate the award-winning ass.

2. TALK TRASH. Let's say you were one of those four-on-four flag football
championships against the team of pros (the game that gets shown on TV).
You're playing against Brett Favre, Pro-Bowl quarterback and three-time
MVP. What do you do? Talk trash. What does he care? He's going to get
sacked by John Randle the next week and you'll never see him again. Rile
him up... it's more fun after he beats the living bejeezus out of you.

3. PUNCH A RANDOM FRENCHMAN. I took that damn language for four years...
I'm getting some payback.

4. GO AN ENTIRE MATCH SINGING "LOVE SHACK". Sign says (WOO!) stay away
fools, cause love rules at the lo-o-ove shack (I do the voice real well
too).

5. WALK AROUND MAKING COMMENTS ABOUT HOW THE U.S. KICKED ASS IN WWII.

6. BETWEEN MATCHES, SELL UNOPENED PACKS OF SPELLFIRE. With all of these
suckers on the Pro Tour, that's some easy money.

7. THROW A TOGA PARTY. Hey, you know what they say, "When in Rome...."

8. GO TO McDONALD'S AND ORDER A "ROYALE WITH CHEESE". Maybe I should save
this for PT Amsterdam.

And finally... 9. TAPE GENERAL HOSPITAL. I just can't miss what's going on
with the Cassadines and the Quartermains....

* WHY YOU'LL ENJOY PLAYING ME *

So I'm reading Nicoloff's article on sportsmanship (which really doesn't
apply considering Magic isn't a SPORT)... and I come to her list of how a
match should go. It read like one of those 1950's stock films of how to
eat dinner properly.

"Notice how Jimmy lays his land on the table, and thanks Johnny for
allowing him to do so." Sweet Jesus, I slept through these in fourth
grade.

Come on, even in a tournament, if you're not having fun, it's pointless,
because if you're like me, you're not going to do extremely well. In fact,
you'll get knocked out by someone you drove to the tournament with (Two
for two).

So why will you enjoy playing me?

First, I'm not smart enough to cheat. Apparently, this doesn't apply to
everybody, but who likes to play against smart people anyway?

Second, I talk. I make little jokes throughout the game. My favorite has
to do with life-gaining... "You gain a life? Yeah, you wish it were that
simple...." If I'm not talking, well, I've usually got a little
inspirational song that I'm singing along with in my head. None of those
irritating songs either. Singing "Macarena" during a match is officially
cheating and should be treated as such.

I know the Intuition joke gets old (so which of these three Shard
Phoenixes do I get to keep?), but still, keep the match enjoyable.

One more thing... every Magic player has a God-given right to bitch. Who
cares if you are insulted? You won. Act accordingly. "You would've won if
you weren't mana-hosed? Oh well... boo-friggin-hoo. Next...."

Etiquette shouldn't be a big deal. If somebody is pissing you off with
their playing style, say something. A passive attitude isn't going to win
you jack. Except if you're Gandhi. And you're not.

* DENOUEMENT *

So those are the Finer Points. I want to give a Boss Hog out to Sol Malka,
your tourney reports are the bomb. By the way, I currently have pneumonia,
so all Get Well messages can be sent to c722500@showme.missouri.edu. See
you next time.

Joe "Jiggy Spice" Grimes
BigSmooth on EFNet
NoKoolAid on AOL Instant Messager