Da Finkel Killuh's Tournament Report:
Weekly Extended Tournament (WET) South Bend
Sup all, dis is Da Finkel Killuh. Since my last post, I actually read da rulebook I got wit my Tempest pack. Now dere aint NOBODY who can stop me, I'm truly Da Big King. I noticed how all da stupid ass scrubs have been postin' little ass tournament reports on da Dojo. So, I decided I'd show all those losers REAL killuh makes a tournament report.
Dis weekend, I had a few hours till I had to collect my food stamps and deliver my newspapers, so I parked my 1969 Impala in front of my local game store, Fantasy Cards and Games. Well, it seems dat dere was one of dem "Extended" tournaments. So I thought, holy shit! Dat means dat it's gonna be a really LOOOONG tournament (cuz somethin' dat's Extended is WAY longer than somethin dat's Standard ya stupid scrub!) and it'll probably have like, a HUGE prize! So, I opened up my fat wallet and slapped down a Benjamin (100$ bill ya stupid scrub!) dat I got from my paper route last month, and didn't even wait for da change, cuz I KNEW I'd get it all back in prize money. Da guy behind da counter was like really impressed when I told him dat, cuz he even put da 90$ in his own pocket, and said "Oh, I'm sure you will, heh, I'll just keep dis safe until WHEN you win."
Well, I guess ya gots ta bring your own damn cards to dase things, which I didn't, so I had to buy em. And since I only had Fi dollas and fiddy cents left after I paid my entry fee, all I could buy was Fallen Empires. But, since I'm Da Finkel Killuh, it don't MATTUH what deck I play, I'm da best no matter what. After lookin at da scrubby ass competition, I decided to play a SuiSlyClismTek deck!
Here's my deck, I call it "Killuh Teck!!!!!"
4 - Mountain (Can't be countered, just like islands!!! Strong!!!!!)
4 - Brassclaw Orcs (Dem claws is da coolest!!!)
Total: 8 Cards
Well, after I turned in my decklist, some scrubby ass judge named Brian told me I had to have at least 60 freakin cards in my deck!!!! So, here's my deck after I bought 4 of all da red Fallen Empire cards! I can't believe dey was all in stock!!!
4 - Mountain (I love da pictures on dese broken bad boys!)
4 - Brassclaw Orcs (I bought em cuz of da flavuh text)
4 - Dwarven Armorer (Teck!!!)
4 - Dwarven Catapult (I don't understand instants!)
4 - Dwarven Leutenant (Makes my dwarves bigger!!!)
4 - Dwarven Soldier (Look out orcs!!!!)
4 - Goblin Chirurgeon (My creatures are unkilluble!!!!)
4 - Goblin Flotilla (I don't know how dis works, broken!!!)
4 - Goblin Grenade (What's a sorcery again? Sounds satanic.)
4 - Goblin Kites (Flying tek!!!)
4 - Goblin War Drums (Ha! Dis is my SECRET TECK!!! Unblockable creatures!)
4 - Goblin Warrens (I don't understand dis one either)
4 - Orcish Captains (Makes my Orcs bigger!!!)
4 - Orcish Spy (Better'n impulse!!)
4 - Orcish Veteran (Older dan my udder orcs!)
4 - Raiding Party (Anti-white tek!)
4 - Seasinger (I ran out of cheap red Fallen Empires cards! Blue's even better!!)
Total: Lotsa Cards
Total cost of deck: 1$ and fiteen cents.
Now when I gave DIS decklist to da judge, he just laughed and laughed, I just said "Shut up ya stupid scrub!!!!" and he just laughed more. Den he punched me. I'll show him.
Round 1:
Played aginst some kid playing a scrubby "ProsBloom" deck, or sometin like dat, and boy did I kick his ass.
First turn:
Me: I went first. Played an Orcish Spy. Attacked with Spy, cast goblin grenade and layed a Seasinger.
Him: Called over judge. Judge hit me and spent most of da round explaining da rules on how to cast stuff. The other player got some scrubby combo where he killed me wit a drain life or somethin.
Record: 0 - 1
Round 2:
First turn:
Him: Layed an Island
Me: I called over da judge. I said "Dem tings is broken!!!". He hit me again and just left. I layed a Mountain, but dis time I knew I couldn't cast sometin unless it had a mountain symbol on it. I cast 4 goblin grenades, and he took 20 damage!!! But, he responded wit an honorable passige er something like dat, and I lost to another scrub!!!
Record: 0 - 2
Round 3:
First turn:
Me: "Swish (I think)" mulliganed down to 0 cards cuz I couldn't draw a Seasinger!!!
Him: Layed an Island.
Second turn:
Me: Went to tap his island to cast my Seasinger! EZ beatdown!!!
Him: Responded by slapping my hand away from his Island and punching me in da face. I responded by callin da judge over, and he ruled beatin da shit out of me was OK, and usin other peeple's lands was NOT. Den dey took turns kickin me.
Me: Layed a big ass pool of blood over my deck.
Record: 0 - 3
Round 4: (Last round of Switch Play!!)
Him: Layed a swamp, dark ritual, 3 carnophages.
Me: Layed a mountain
Him: Layed a swamp, dark ritual, 4 Sarcomancy, Attacked, but did him 3 damage with his Carnophages!!!
Me: Layed a mountain
Him: Layed 1 Carnophage, 1 Mountain, 1 Dauthi Horror
Me: Punched dat cheater in da face! Got disqualified! Den I got da shit kicked out of me! Responded by bleedin on da scrub's shoes!
Record: 0 - 4
As you can see, Da Finkel Killuh is one hard ass opponent. I just wish I woulda remembered my Oath of Shocks deck!!! I hope dis tournament report shows all you moron scrubs out there how to write! Look out fer my next article, when I show you stupid scrubs how to play wit Delif's Cone!!.
Humor Articles on the Dojo I also wrote:
Da Finkel Killuh
Magic Pricing Guide
Here's a program I made:
Card Search
Basically, what this program does is allows you to search a database of every card in Magic up to Urza's Saga, including Unglued. You can search by title, card text, casting cost (for mental magic), and all other criterions. It's an "always on top" program, which occupies one fifth of the screen, so its main use is top search for cards you don't recognize on a Dojo decklist. Basically, just copy and paste the card name from your browser into the first text box (card title), and it'll find it automatically. There's a text file with instructions included (Fer all ya stupid scrubs).
If you have any questions/comments about Card Search, just Mail Me at chowlu@michiana.org