Subject: [HUMOR] The Department of Stupid Ideas "Impulse" Guide Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 15:04:36 -0700 From: Essence To: fkusumot@ix.netcom.com Hajimemashite, Kusumoto-sensei. Despite my best efforts to resist the temptation, I have succumbed to peer pressure both from people around me and people online, and have compiled a list of some of the least-known "Impulses" in the world: the Impulses of the secretive but omnipresent Department of Stupid Ideas. Here Goes: The "Random Mexican", or Juan Impulse: Decide that, if you can successfully replace four Islands with Brainstorms in a slow blue control deck, it logically follows that if you use Impulse, you should be able to take out 8 islands. Wonder why it is that you can't seem to Impulse until turn 4, and why you never see any land when you *do* Impulse. The "Narcissist" or Gavin Impulse: Complain loudly to everyone that there is no possible way Impulse is the best card in Magic, but put 4 in every deck regardless. Get slaughtered by Sage Owls despite sucessfully Impulsing on turn 2 of every game. The "Hopeless" or Aaron Impulse: Ask everyone why they're playing with Islands even though they were banned several months ago. Claim everyone is cheating. Cast Impulses using Lotus Petals, and *always* snag a Lotus Petal if you see one. Die to the same Sage Owl that killed Gavin. The "Luck of the Damned", "Tanis", or Tom Impulse: Don't play with Impulse. Draw everything you need regardless. Laugh at everyone who actually *needs* Impulse. Slaughter everyone consistantly until your yin turns to yang, and die horribly to a Grollub in the final stages of what should rightfully have been your utter victory. Look three cards into your deck, see the card you needed. Say "I shoulda put Impulses in here, you know?" The "Majik", "Ge", or Hadley Impulse: Wonder what Impulse is. Read the card for the seventh time, and decide that it might just work better than Portent. Randomly slap three into a deck. Slaughter everyone for six games straight while constantly professing an utter lack of skill at Magic. Beat Mike to a bloody pulp for no apparent reason. Wander off to play Civilization. Finally, the "Essence", "Tenshi", or Mike Impulse: Refuse to play with Impulse, since it's going out of Type 2 in a month or so. Play a perfectly-tuned Oath of Druids/Serra Avatar/Cataclysm deck. Lose horribly to Hadley, whose 3 Impulses consistently bring out exactly what she needs to win: one Creature Bond, and one Terror. :) Our thanks to Team Sped for providing us with a meaningful nickname for our least meaningful member, to Kusumoto-sensei for his most highly decorated Dojo (particularly the humor :), and to Jiffey, for randomly shouting something about a Burly Protector into the virtual-adepts newsgroup so long ago. Michael "Essence" Danielson, Dept. of Stupid Ideas Netrep Tenshi@unforgettable.com